The Evil Home Stereo

Blount's Folly Board of Tourism

2011-09-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

Please click picture to MAKE IT BIGGER!!!!

A Parable for The Community

2011-05-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

There was once a man on a long, long journey.
He drove and drove. Finally, he saw in the distance an empty, and quite convenient, parking spot.

It was near the building and it was in the shade.

As he got closer he cursed the sky - it was a handicap spot!

The moral of the story is: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is: all good parking spots are for disabled people.

Running out of creative steam: the bad title

2011-05-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

Yes, there exists a film called The Janky Promoters.
Don't even ask what it's about - I'm not kidding. The movie has three major red-flags before viewing -
a). it's written by Ice Cube.
b). one it's "stars" is Mike Epps.
c). the title of the movie is The Janky Promoters.

They were off to a bad start: BOX OFFICE FOR THE JANKY PROMOTERS

Opening Weekend: $5,702 (USA) (18 October 2009) (22 Screens)
**That's $260 per theater! To put it in perspective, I made $261 per theater just selling knock-off Dasani in the hallway.

Don't get your hopes up. The graphic design in this poster is better than the movie itself.

Newsflash: It's a gawd-awful movie believe it or not. The duo play concert promoters trying to pull off a Young Jeezy show in their hometown. Their style? I'd call it Janky.
PS: To all you white people out there wondering what janky means, I can sum it up by saying "below average quality." It can be used as a substitute for "ghetto," "trashy" or "janktified."

EXAMPLE: I pull up in a broken-down car with rear bumper damage.

LT: "Oh sh*t! Look at this man's car... sh*t is janky as hell."

MAN #2: "He's right! Look at the duct tape!!"

It seems that any creative juices Mr. Cube or Mr. Epps have or had were apparently dried up when it came time to name the movie. It'd be like if you wrote "Dazed & Confused" then couldn't think of a good title so you just called it "White Folks High School."

* - Epps is putting together quite the IMDB page... the guy is shaping up to be one of the most un-funny "comedians" of all time. I mean, get your money and all that good-for-him stuff (aka "I know I'm hating...") but this is just bad.
Don't believe me? Try and step to this hit-list:
* Both he and Cube were responsible for attempting to murder the genius of Friday by birthing Next Friday and Friday after Next. AWFUL.

* Next Day Air: Similar formula as the Next Friday/Janky Promoters. Two loveable and stoned idiots try to get rich while not getting murdered or thrown in jail. It's basically the same movie except that in Next Day Air, the main characters are deliverymen instead of concert promoters.
* Epps was in Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins (which for some, reason, has, a, comma, in, the, title) as well as The Lottery Ticket, a movie I've ruthlessly attacked in the past.
* Epps must have a thing for projects with terrible titles. He was in a short-lived TV show called The Unsuccessful Thug.

Make-A-Wish Foundation Gives 120 Dogs a Dream Trip to Mississippi!

2011-04-29T12:20:00.001-07:00

(click to make the photo HUGERR!!!!!)

Ol' Cricket is headed out on a mission westward... yep, she's packing up the truck and pointing it toward North-Central Mississippi this weekend.
Cricket and friends will be attending the World's Largest Crappie Festival (Water Valley, MS) on May 7th. (She's also going out there to help burn down one of the oldest homes in Yalobusha County known as Blount's Folly. But don't worry, this isn't an explosion - it's more of a simmering melt).
So before the house burns down there will be much celebration to indulge in.
Should be fun!

Oh yeah - forgot to mention that Cricket's going to leave lots of room in the bed of her truck for some guests.
You see, along the way she's going to be stopping at Wal-Mart parking lots, fast food dumpsters and various Humane Society locations to pick up sickly and stray dogs to bring them to their new home at Blount's Folly!
Let me tell you this: these dogs are in for the ride of their (short) lives!

It's basically a Make-A-Wish trip for these pups. Before they die they'll be living it up in Mississippi, feasting on top shelf Scotch and pulled pork... free to roam the pastures without a curfew.
If life out there becomes too much for these little guys Blount's Folly is conveniently located on a winding two-lane road that's just perfect for "wandering out" into.

Goodnight, you princes of Yalobusha...
you kings of Mississippi.

Bryan Cranston In Effect

2011-04-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

I hope you weren't planning on inviting actor Bryan Cranston to any weddings this year, because he's going to be busy.
Check out the man's IMDB page - he's been in a ton of stuff and now he has 1,000,000 movies coming out in 2011. (Actually, according to the website Cranston has NINE FILMS set to be released in 2011)!
Cranston's career has had ups and downs - but the ups have been stellar. The man was in Saving Private Ryan for God's sakes! But Breaking Bad is his high water mark - it's absolutely amazing.

Here's A Primer on the Early Career of Bryan Cranston:

He was Tim Whatley on Seinfeld
Whatley is the dentist who converts to Judiasm. Jerry of course accuses him of converting so that he can tell Jewish jokes. "And this offends you as a Jew?" asks his rabbi. "No, it offends me as a comedian!" Cranston appeared in 6 episodes of Seinfeld, including the incredible "Yadda Yadda" episode.

He was on Malcolm in Middle, 3rd Rock from the Sun and three episodes of Murder, She Wrote!
He was on an episode of Matlock and an episode of Jake and the Fatman.
Early in his career he was on some terrible TV shows that were adapted from a movie, including Honey, I Shrunk The Kids and the awful CLERKS TV show attempt.
UPDATED! HE WAS ON AIRWOLF!!!!!!!

4square: I checked in to Trey's house, a drug dealer

2011-01-01T06:34:00.000-08:00

Will Kiser just ousted Da'Rique Williams as Mayor of TREY'S HOUSE: Home of the best drugs in Barrow County.

That smells familiar: the return of the white boxer

2011-01-01T05:38:00.000-08:00

Damn Hollywood... why would I ever doubt you?
When times get slow (i.e. Eastbound & Down is over for the season) you're there with interesting stories about... Caucasian boxers. Groundbreaking I tell ya.

The FX channel, which has already given us comedy gold like Archer and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia will be debuting the drama Lights Out this January.
The show is about an ex-champion boxer who's trying to figure out his post-fight life. He's having financial problems. He's got an old, sassy trainer who goes by "Pops."
Sound familiar? Well then congrats, that just means you've seen the Rocky movies.

Mark Walberg's always loved a good rags to riches character ... when he's not playing the little porn star who could, or the long-shot football star who found his way onto the field in the NFL he's playing a cover-band front-man who gets a chance to join the Actual Band he's spent his life mimicking.
In reality he's a movie star who overcame embarrassing pop culture hash marks like Calvin Klein ads and white-rap anthems to Actually Make It, so I guess his M.O. is pretty fitting.

You can currently catch him on the big screen in The Fighter (with Christian Bale). Guess what? He's a little boxer that could - this time based on real-life pugilist "Irish" Mickey Ward. 2011 will be the year of the white boxer - and not the kind with the elastic on the waistband either...

A Terrible Glimpse Into the Future?

2010-12-10T15:20:00.000-08:00

It was a gray Saturday when the wind blew open my window
and from the mist a voice sayeth: Turn on National Geographic channel for a glimpse into thy future...

I gasped at the visage - a documentary about Russian Internet Bride services but worse: neverbefore seen hideous and yet no doubt the face of noneother than mine own! I was clasping hands with an underage Slavic girl who is biting her bottom lip in our wedding photo.

I saw a vision of a website called Russian Wife You Want? where I would peruse the available mates.
I would search their eyes for the Least Sad of them all
And She I would make my wife.

FAST FORWARD: The time has arrived to make a Russian woman my bride and I need you to help me make up my mind!!
VOTE in the comments section below...

1. Marta; 29: bartender.
"I like man who take charge... buy mink coat for woman and take to movies on weekEND."

2. Olga; 36: seamstress.
"I think woman job is take care of man. Please don't send me home."

3. Svetlana; 32: philosopher.
"I want man who have access to health care and strong dental plan. I will have two babies but no more. High alcohol tolerance."

Le' Xorbitant

2010-12-10T11:41:00.000-08:00

Will Kiser just ousted Bob Behan as Mayor of Le'Xorbitant (an exclusive dining experience that is WAY out of your price range. Trust me. Where is it? Don't worry about it).

The Office jumps the shark, re-loads and then re-jumps

2010-11-03T09:10:00.000-07:00

Has there ever been a sitcom with such disparate highs and lows as NBC's The Office? Seinfeld was full of wonderful highs, with one enormous LOW (the final episode), but that was their only low point.
The original Office, the Ricky Gervais genius-mode BBC mockumentary, didn't last long enough to register any lows - 2 seasons and a Christmas special.
But the NBC version has been around long enough to jump the shark not once but twice. A few years ago The Office featured a two-part "Jim and Pam Get Married" section that ended with one of the most cringe-worthy and stomach-turning sequences I've ever seen on TV (and I once watched Saw in a launder mat, so ... you know).
Jim and Pam's coworkers make their way down the aisle in a choreographed dance - and the intent was not humor, it was the show's attempt at being schmaltzy and genuine and to me, that is incredibly offensive.

****Notice the guy in the bottom right corner: trust me bra, I was just as embarrassed watching it at home.

(SIDE NOTE: Can you imagine how miserable your life would be if everyone involved in every portion of your life was also a co-worker? Let's get married and the whole office will come down to the wedding and then cause a scene in the middle of the ceremony! YAY!! No - f*ck you dude! I love my co-workers but if they're involved in my wedding I'll be a sad little boy).

There's no doubt The Office NBC is funny.
But the producers just couldn't stop tinkering with it - like when they started adding rubber padded "grips" to pencils. Remember those? Pencils were fine - they didn't need any additions or innovations. Just leave them alone.

If the dance scene wasn't bad enough the sitcom followed up with a "clips show" last season. The premise was that a bank was thinking about purchasing Dunder-Mifflin - an employee from the bank came in and axed everyone questions about the efficiency and work-flow of the place. This allowed writers and producers to pump the show full of old clips as "answers" to the bank's questions. Basically, everyone got a week off.
RESULT: Embarrassing and lazy - YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT HOLLYWOOD! Wait... nevermind.

Time to move Dad into the home...

2010-10-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

I feel confident in saying that the sitcom S#*! My Dad
Says is the worst sitcom in the rest-stop toilet bowl of television sitcoms. Other than The Office and 4 minutes of S#*! My Dad Says, I don't watch any television sitcoms and yet I'm still pretty damn sure that this is the bottom of the barrel.
It was like the generic "Awful Sitcom" you'd see a snippet of in a movie, a fake ad for a fake TV show - like the Jason Schwartzman sitcom "Yo Teach!" from the movie Funny People.

BACKGROUND (I'm not hating): If you don't know, the story behind S#*! My Dad Says is that a twenty-something year old guy had to move back in with his parents. His dad is old and awesome and says kick-ass things. The guy posts said kick-ass things onto Twitter account... account becomes popular...dude signs a book and tv-show deal.
Here's one of my favorites:

You could call the family a sell-out but I promise you I'd sign up if CBS wanted to do a half-hour every week about my mass emails.

Who wouldn't take the money? Get your money, son/Let's go!!/Stay on your grind - but this is bad.
The dialogue is horrible and the story is laughable and the punchlines are awful. To balance all that out, the acting is also gawd-awful.

Worst of all, William Shatner is part of this Hot Garbage (not as popular a genre as Romantic Comedy) - tarnishing his name reading off of cue cards along with a half-MadTV cast in a show so awful it should be called Tyler Perry's S#*! My Dad Says.

I can hear just fine - I've just never heard of MadTV alright?!?!

I've Got the Grind Down Like A Science

2010-10-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

The proportional relationship between haters and Grind Level

# of Haterz & the Level of Grinding Associated w/Corresponding # of Haterz
Many haters = Beast Mode
Moderate hating = Let's Go!!!
Few if any haters = Grind Stagnation

"I've checked it and double checked it again Dr. Kiser - they're biting your style online!!"

"In their book, “The Narcissism Epidemic,” Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell cite data to suggest that at least since the 1970s, we have suffered from national self-esteem inflation. They cite (a) piece of sociological data:
In 1950, thousands of teenagers were asked if they considered themselves an “important person.”
Twelve percent said yes.
In the late 1980s, another few thousand were asked.
This time, 80 percent of girls and 77 percent of boys said yes."

[DAVID BROOKS: THE NEW YORK TIMES: "THE GOSPEL OF MEL GIBSON"]

NEW, NEW MOVIES: LOTTERY TICKET

2010-10-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

Soon as I cash this ticket I'm going to get a new bike and some video games and...

There's a BRAND-NEW MOVIE out on DVD called Lottery Ticket and it's full of big stars like... Bow Wow. Anyway, from looking at the preview we learn that in the movie:

an old man will teach someone how to fight

the star of the film run away from a big strong guy and jump into an open window.

there will be a big show down with said huge guy, who is dramatically knocked out as a crowd cheers and laughs and points at him.

It stars Ice Cube.

No, it's not FRIDAY, a movie with highly similar plot points. It's yet another gawd-awful Ice Cube production. It's also a movie so horrible that it thinks nothing of referencing OTHER movies. And I don't think the film's director was thinking along the same lines as the myriad of allusions in T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland" - referencing Hindi religious chants or The Bible.
He was thinking: cheap and ea$y.

Everyone has hopefully forgotten about John Travolta's stomach-turning reference to "royale with cheese" in his last film... well, I can't remember the name of it but we all saw it didn't we - DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU DIDN'T SEE IT!!!!

Actually, it's called From Paris With Love and I didn't see it but I know for an Internet-fact that he used that line, referencing one of the few times he's actually been cool in his entire life. Gross.

Black Sports Online

2010-09-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

My source for all things Black Sports related, Black Sports Online, has one of the most badass masthead images I've ever seen.

Ever wondered how a rapper's girlfriend, a white dude and an underwear model could be considered either: BLACK or SPORTS? Well...
Above is the original, and in the version below I have labeled everything very plainly for your enjoyment so that you may understand.

** - my editors were unsure of whether or not I can label Tiger Woods as "black" and the same discussion was had over whether or not the un-named model was "sports" or not due to her wearing Redskins jersey.

Who I am: Who I am not

2010-08-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

I AM:
Anti War
Anti Lockbrakes
Anti Oxidant
Anti Biotic
Anti Perspirant

My Result: 100%

2010-08-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

How LET'S GO!!!! are you?

You are without a doubt, LET'S GO!!!

1. Music favorites? Bieber, Ga-Ga or Motorhead?
ANSWER: Motorhead

2. Do you ever worry about not being able to compete with your peers?
ANSWER: What if you don't have peers?

3. Movie favorites? Black Knight, Friday After Next or Sleeping With The Enemy?
ANSWER: I don't have time to watch movies (too busy [Let's] Going{!}).

4. SCENARIO: Traffic is bad and it's starting to rain. Your boss was being passive aggressive at work and you miss your ex-girlfriend. Do you get discouraged and question the direction of your life? How do you handle it?
ANSWER: I pull off the road and drive up the shoulder to the next exit, while on the phone with my boss I tell him (over the crunching of the gravel and the police sirens) that I will no longer tolerate his attitude. If he doesn't like it then I will begin slowly destroying our office from the inside: stolen office supplies at first, then in-fighting amongst employees before culminating in a large-scale class action sexual harassment suit.
On my way home I stop at an Applebees and walk out with the hostess. Did I mention: LET'S GO!!!?????

Poems about the letter WHUP-WHOOMP!!!!

2010-08-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

Thoughts from the taxi driver who works for JERSEY SHORE

The yellow van is lit by the golden spray of street lights reflecting off of t-shirts adorned with shiny crucifixes ...

Amidst the screaming and spitting
behind him a taxi driver is deep in thought:
What if I just YANKED this car off the road right f*cking now?!?
What then?
Yes, my family will mourn me
but the people - THE PEOPLE!! - will exalt me.
They will celebrate me:
the suicide bomber of reality TV, sacrificed for the greater good of humanity.

The air is heavy with body spray when a taxi driver thinks to himself:
I'm going to do it.
Seriously...
I'm going to do this.

With Darwin's permission...

2010-07-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

When I was younger my parents raised boxers. They said the key to a well-trained dog, especially a boxer, was training it at the beach.

Here's an old home movie. Y'all...

Things I Would Never Make Fun of:

If I was ever driving down North Avenue and I saw a vagrant wearing a shirt that said I WORK HERE on the back, I wouldn't say something mean/funny** to myself. I'm not saying that happened, but if that did happen I would never make fun of it. Never.

**- The vagrant/I WORK HERE combo is similar to the hipster who once wore a "trucker hat."

I'm not actually a truck driver or a poor person,

therefore this poor person's hat is a wild juxtoposition.

If you care about comedy... WEB-EDITION

2010-07-07T20:53:00.001-07:00

"Get your mind right"

1). Gary Carter Raw - the best fake celebrity Twitter account in the history of fake celebrity Twitter accounts.

Here's an example of what you're getting on the reg from G.Carter Raw:

Will Clark once told me the best part about baseball was if you started

crying in the outfield people just thought you were sweating

Doug Drabek had a saying "ciggerettes and coffee go together like German techno music and ball gags" painted on the back of his Geo Tracker

2). Do's & Don'ts: Vice Magazine.

This is only for people who are really serious about this comedy thing okay? I'm serious.

This section of Vice Magazine takes street fashion photos, all submitted by readers, and classifies them as either a Do or Don't, then writes a snide caption to go with the photo.

Peep this:

Making fun of redheads always seems weird and artificial outside of Britain, but combining it with that stupid emo swoosh and the tear-streaked mascara is just asking for trouble.

(VICE MAGAZINE)

I stare at men's bodies... I drink them in.

2010-07-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

The Charles Barkley Memorial Ol' Bad-Body Ass All-Star Team

Bad-Body: One word. Used to describe an athlete with a soft and/or sloping physique.
Grammatically, this is a tough one. You've got "bad-body" which is the description you're tagging the subject with. The use of "ass" can be confusing for some - that word still refers to the subject, but it replaces their proper name. Thus, "Rick has a bad-body" becomes "Ol' bad-body ass." " Ol' " is thrown in strictly for flare - it spices up the "sentence."

Now, the phrase does not necessarily degrade the person's athletic ability - in fact, many of the people on the following list are quite athletic. For one reason or another, whether due to genetic quirks or an overproduction of sloth, their bodies have revolted against the demands of their profession. And yet they've managed to make it to the highest level of their sport.

EXAMPLE: Charles, a fat and soft man, is running faster than everyone around him. "Look at Charles running all hard - ol' bad-body ass m*****f*****."

The inspiration for this list of players is Charles Barkley, a man who will certainly go down as one of the greatest to ever play the game of basketball. Although he never won a title, Barkley excelled at every point in his career and was a consistent threat to score and rebound the ball. Despite playing a position where most of his opponents were at least 4 inches taller than he was, Chuck was a beast.A beast with a soft belly and a complete absence of any muscle tone ANYWHERE on his body. It wasn't just that he was fat - and he was overweight - it was that he looked like he had never worked out in his life.

Let's take a look at some of the others:

Warren Sapp
Sapp was a DOMINANT football player, in college and the pros. He was incredibly quick and light on his feet for someone of his size. He could dunk a basketball - and was even on "Dancing With the Stars." Warren Sapp was strong and explosive... and soft.

This is the body of a world-class athlete.

Paul Pierce

Highly accomplished player with multiple World Championships. Also see: soft mid-section and flabby arms.

Desagana Diop
A seven-foot center, Diop has somehow managed to be huge AND weak. He's a massive person, yet he's got thin arms with very little muscle mass. During my short and illustrious sports-media career I was able to watch Diop work out for the Hawks when he was entering the NBA Draft. He looked like a human hacky sack out there, barely coming off the floor when he "jumped." Simply stunning. He now makes millions of dollars playing professional basketball.

In English, "Diop" means "skinny arms, large belly."

Marvin Williams
Marvin is a tough case because he's not fat, he's just built in a strange way. The two things that stand out to me are his narrow shoulders and HUGE ass, both strange components to a person who is extremely tall and long. Also, my buddy J.W. thinks he looks like Howard the Duck.

This is Marvin! You know - your cousin Marvin?!?! The one that looks like a duck.

Chad Lavalais
The former LSU Tiger and Atlanta Falcon was quite soft around the middle and for someone who played a position that REQUIRES strength, he severely lacked any semblance of muscle. The Falcons linemen used to call him Candle Wax because his torso looked like a melted candle. That's always a good sign.

What do you do for a living? Oh, I exercise.

A Poem

2010-07-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

"Ignoring the Screams Whilst Walking"

Trust me, they will scream at you when they drive by.

Late at night especially. Sometimes the beasts will even throw a
Tervis Tumbler when they fly by. But
don't Flinch
when the truck goes screaming by screeching and heckling
don't Break
your stare at the ground and whatever you do don't look up!
Don't give them the satisfaction.

The fratsters and the drunks and elderly and the bachelorettes will all scream at you
while you walk along the sidewalk: headphones in ears, hands in pockets... head down. But don't give
them the satisfaction and
don't break your traction and
don't look up - they're just mad because you're
so much more environmentally conscious than they are.

Have you ever fist-fought your pediatrician?

2010-06-26T00:03:00.000-07:00

If You Care About Comedy

An Awareness Campaign for Good Humour

Tracy Morgan is a genius. He's a terrible actor - see: reading cue cards on 30 Rock - but a genius when he's free-styling. Some people miss the point - like the YouTube viewers who accuse him of being drunk. Now, he very well be drunk but that's not what's driving the ship - what I see is a Comedian who is seriously locked in.

It's brave too - not many people could stay true to that character all the way through the segment; fighting through the awkwardness and the wide-eyed looks from the hosts and crew...

Here are some of Dr. Morgan's off-beat, off-script career highlights.

1. The Terrified Morning Show Host (and Crew Member)
I'm going to be here for two days - somebody's going to get pregnant!!

2. Tracy Morgan Has a Baby
Tracy hugs the female co-host - "this is forbidden love. A black man and a white woman on TV - forbidden love - I feel like Jim Brown."

Oh yeah, and did I mention that he does a shirtless impression of a pregnant woman on the anchor desk? Yeah, that too.

3. T.M. On The Radio
From: Sirius Satellite Radio: Channel 45 w/DJ Whoo Kid + G Unit

The Masterpiece: An MTV Prime Time Movie

"Totally Awesome"

In the opening scene of this collection Tracy's character attempts to teach the school nerd how to be black and in turn, how to be cool. To find out what he's working with Dr. Morgan grills his pupil with a series of ridiculous questions.

Can you imagine keeping a straight face through:

You ever broken a Puerto Rican dude's arm for sweat-pant money??

Do you have a dog that is sick and you don't care?

You ever throw a chihuahua off the roof in the projects?

Do your father car run by blood?*

*- translation: "Is your father's automobile fueled by blood?"

Make sure you have time to watch the entire thing - you'll need to see the part where Tracy teaches the kid how to "walk black."

**BONUS**

Rich Thompson, Offensive Line (New York Giants)

2010-06-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

All My Exes
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

DATA
The best of times:
Short and sweet was my time with Richie. Well, not really sweet exactly. More like: this dude beat me up every afternoon for a few weeks in the early '70s.
The football Giants had just finished a disappointing 8-6 season. I met Richie on my way down the steps to the Wilson Avenue stop in Brooklyn. I struck up a conversation. I was really excited at first - as a sandlot league player I wore my Thompson jersey every game (a jersey I had to work an entire summer for - hosing down suspicious immigrants in the Port Authority Cleaning Station. One day's pay was 5 cents! The jersey? It cost me $767).
I couldn't help but notice a certain rage lurking behind Richie's eyes that seemed to stir a little when he met me, like a fussy baby starting to wake up from a 4-minute nap.
I think he saw in me a chance to purge his own self-hatred - and if he's lucky, maybe even wipe that disappointing season out of his head.
Oh yeah one more thing - I also think he was a sicko who liked to beat up kids, did I mention that?

The worst of times:
The whole time. To a passerby it may have looked like some sort of mutual assault, between father and son maybe?

**I'm sorry, I'm really disorganized and I should've cleared this up at first: things were never physical.**

(I should say that things were never romantically physical. Nothing like that).

But yes, he beat me mercilessly over the period of two weeks that December.

Proudest moment:
Standing up on the first day of class and telling everyone what I did during my Christmas break. I wasn't so proud of the subsequent meeting I had to have with the guidance counselor and my parents.

What I’ll miss most:
The fear. It was exhilarating and addictive and I've unsuccessfully chased it ever since.
Oh yeah - I'll also miss being able to celebrate Christmas without going into a Post-Traumatic fetal position.

NEXT ON ALL MY EXES...

The Lady of Rage: Professional Rappera^
I knew there was a bit of anti-white sentiment in her music going into it but she took things too far when she rocked a little too rough (and stuff) with one of my Afro Puffs.*

^ - In certain instances the female rapper is referred to as a "rappera" as in "Who is your favorite rappera - Lauryn Hill or Drake?"

* - The ONLY valid and even slightly recognizable reference to The Lady of Rage is a reference to Afro Puffs. It is mandatory.

Catherine Bach (Daisy Duke "The Dukes of Hazzard")

2010-06-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

All My Exes

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

DATA
The best of times: Every day was a roller coaster bro ... back in those days people weren't in your business. If you drank too much and fought with your girlfriend in a crowded bar nobody was taking pictures of it with their phone and yelling stuff like "IMMA PUT THIS ON YOUTUBE!!!"
When it was good - it was REAL good. But when it was bad...

The worst of times: I once told Catherine that she was "one Danny Wuerfell jersey away from looking like the drunkest Florida fan I've ever met." I regretted it immediately. I should've said "canvas Gators handbag."

Proudest moment: One night we snuck onto the set of "The Dukes of Hazzard" and drunkenly rolled around on the hood of the General Lee. The next day I was hanging out on the set, eating free food and hitting up the crew for weed when one of the Duke boys* was shooting a sequence where he (typically) slid across the hood of his car. He got a running start, jumped and slid halfway across before violently stopping then spinning and flying off the hood. GODDAMMIT!! he screams. CUT!! yells the director and crew members rush to the actor's side.
The set was quiet as one of the crew members inspected the hood of the car. Finally one of them yelled out "Why is there LOTION on the General Lee?!?!?!!"
Catherine and I shared a quick glance. I may have winked but I can't remember.

* - I met the actors who played The Duke Boys, I hung out with them and drank with them for 3 years straight and I never once learned either of their names. It was sort of "my thing" back then, to not learn people's names.

What I’ll miss most:
Her poetry. Honestly, it was incredible. She created these surreal landscapes of a post-apocalyptic world full of rage and love and more questions than answers.
I saved one of them that I will share with you now.

"WATCH/BUT/DON'T/TURN/AWAY"
or "Why didn't you help me when I needed it most?"
For Will and for Daddy.

There are four of them
standing at the window.

They watch him
in the bathroom:
steamed windows,
socks on the floor
and yet the watchers have no idea

that i watch them as well
through infrared eyes.
I can see how hot their blood is
underneath skin that is thick like denim and
scarred like an old belt
and they have no idea
how easily that same skin will
tear underneath my knife.

-c.b.
1981

NEXT ON ALL MY EXES...

BURT BACHARACH: you son of a bitch.

If you care about comedy...

2010-06-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

If You Care About Comedy
An Awareness Campaign for Good Humour

Bateman + Arnett

It's a little too long, but make sure you stick around until Will Arnett walks in - then let him take you away.

Mack's Backin' Outta Town

2010-06-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

Leaving behind a string of un-fulfilled women, unpaid debts and broken promises, illustrator and charismatic frontman Mack Williams heads to Brooklyn next week.

Over the past three nights we've said goodbye to Mack. Three nights are needed - 'cause it's a process saying farewell to an institution - something that can't exactly be done over a Piggly Wiggly cake and a quick slap on the back in the break room.

Saturday night was incidentally the final hurrah for the Athens venue Tasty World. After 100 years (give or take) of operation, owner and operator Murphy Wolford is closing the place down.

***An aside:

One time when I played at Tasty World some of my bandmates threw a cream pie into our banjo player's face. During the show. It was packed house and the crowd loved it. So did I.***

Last night the gritty, tried and true Bearfoot Hookers finished the night off in style, inviting the crowd onstage to sing along with Mack.

Goodbye to Tasty World they sang... and goodbye to Mack Williams.

I met Mack around the same time I met Tasty World.

I was an undergrad at UGA and working at The Red & Black Newspaper. A fresh faced cartoonist burst into our offices one day with a red bandana in his back left pocket (he's a top!) and a portfolio of ideas under his arm. His drawings were crude scratchings but there was something in them that made me say - Give this man a job.

And so it was and over the next few years I would take that submissive artist under my wing, honing his talents and sharpening his sarcastic wit. His work improved tenfold and the response from professors, the student body and the publishing world was deafening: "Kiser's Latest Protege a Hit" declared the tabloids.

Courtesy of The Red & Black Newspaper

After a brief post-college stop doing editorial work Williams made his big breakthrough with 70/30 Productions, helping to create the Adult Swim show SeaLab 2020. From there he helped develop Frisky Dingo, before his latest (and most successful venture) Archer.

Animation from "Frisky Dingo"

As director of animation on Archer, Williams shed blood and endured many sleepless nights but the results were well worth it. The show was picked up for a second season and was deemed a hit amongst the Bearded Skinny Jeans crowd, a demographic close to Williams' heart.

Mack Williams created this by cutting and pasting clip art from FancyClipArtYall.com

Goodbye Mack and goodbye Tasty World.

Goodbye to fun and fellowship, but not forever.

We had some good times me and Mack Williams; me and Tasty World. Like I said, it's not goodbye forever. Hopefully I'll visit Mack in New York and it'll be just like old times - when he was the student and I was the teacher.

And when that day comes I'll stick a red bandana in his back left pocket and tell him he's tops in my book.

Love,

Will

2010-05-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

Information Bulletin!

2010-05-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

Please, for the last time: I AM NOT DARNELL DOCKETT, Arizona Cardinals Defensive Lineman!

NOT ME!! The above photo is of Darnell Dockett - not me.

So I'm getting some boneless buffalo ranch chicken wings at Wendy's (I always eat at Wendy's on the road - it's been a tradition of mine for the last 36 years) when sure-enough, someone in line said to me "Hey Darnell Dockett - I didn't know you ate at Wendy's!"
To which I said

a). I'm not Darnell Dockett and

b). I ONLY eat at Wendy's motherf***er.

SCARY ISN'T IT??!? "I know I look just like Will Kiser but
I'm not - I'm Darnell Dockett."

That's me on the left (obviously) - I just couldn't break it to him that I wasn't actually Darnell Dockett. (And yes, we're standing in his garage).

Bulldogs resort to animal abuse! SAVE THE CHIMPS!!

2009-09-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

As an esteemed environmentalist and noted football enthusiast I am torn in this, my latest battle with those who would see our planet with nary an endangered monkey upon it.
I am thusly torn, you'll see, when I tell you that it is the very football squad that I hold dearest to my heart are the ones attacking the chimp nation.
I was dismayed to find out this terrible news while perusing Bulldawg Illustrated last week (headline below).

(click on the photo if you have trouble reading the headline).

I have two problems with this strategy:
a). The chimps are endangered. Don't bring them out onto a football field - they're going to get torn apart.
b). How is this going to help us against Florida's offensive attack?

And yes, I know - I went to a lot of trouble for such a mediocre payoff but at least I'm trying. That's more than I can say for most of you.

Bill Emerson 1923-2009

2009-08-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

“Southerners are generous, fun-loving people.
Homicidal, but basically decent folk.”
-Bill Emerson

If I'm funny - and I'm not saying that I am - but if I am... it's probably because of my great-uncle Bill Emerson.
My entire life has been filled with summers and holidays sitting next to him and listening to him talk - because it was fascinating and funny and powerful.
He was my great uncle, married to my grandfather's sister, the greatest wordsmith I have ever had the privilege of conversing with and he died two days ago at the age of 86.

Bill wasn't a "funny guy," he didn't send wacky emails or repeat jokes he heard on Conan last night.
He was more than that; funny isn't the right way to describe him.
He could write serious prose - and did - but his humor was deep and thoughtful and although it was rated R it was never offensive or ugly. We're not talking foul-mouthed stand-up comedy here, we're talking poetry.
When he spoke people stopped what they were doing and gathered - trying as hard as they could to soak up every word he said so that they could repeat it later.
Were his stories true? Mostly. Probably embellished a little bit.
Did William Faulkner really chase him off his property with a shotgun because Bill made a pass at his mother? Probably not. But goddam, you should have heard the story.

I've included some links to articles on the web, and yes on the day that Dominick Dunne and Ted Kennedy's obituary ran The New York Times still found room for Bill Emerson.

Doug Cumming (Like The Dew: A Journal of Southern Culture & Politics)

The New York Times

Author Phillip Lee Williams

Atlanta Journal & Constitution

** ADDITION: PeachBuzz covers Bill Emerson's funeral here.

As you can see by my haircut, I'm very closed minded.

2009-08-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

We've all seen it: the SEC-school-white-guy frat-cut. The important part of the cut is that it must cover the entire forehead, otherwise it is a cheap imitation of the actual style. This haircut tells me everything I need to know about the person.
There are the common variations that occur as well - for instance, in a college town like Athens or Knoxville, many of the white private high school bros will start to style their hair in a sort of copy-cat manner.

"The Tuscaloosa Swoop"
This is my favorite label for the haircut, coined by James Wickliffe.

"Bama Bangs"
Two years ago Clay Travis wrote the essential guide to the haircut, and re-introduced the primary nickname for the haircut.

"Kali pulls me aside and asks if I have a camera.
Unfortunately I don't.
"Because every boy in here has 'Bama Bangs," she says.
I look around the room.
There are more than 10 Alabama guys and
every single one of them has the same haircut.
It's like being 4 years old again back when
every mom in Nashville gave her kid a puffy bowl cut. "

Follow-up column from Travis is here.

Erykah Badu

2009-08-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

All My Exes

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

Those beads aren’t for decoration. I’ll explain later.
(Let’s hope she used some hand sanitizer after this photo shoot).

I used to love her… Erykah Badu

DATA

The best of times:Getting a shout-out during the 2001 BET Awards from Erykah. Our relationship had hit a high point and we were happy. If only for a moment.

The worst of times: The wigs are cool, don’t get me wrong. But seeing them hanging up in her closet makes you feel like you’re dating a serial killer who “likes to collects things from her victims.”

Proudest moment: Using one of her own songs as an insult during one of our fights. We were standing outside of a Huddle House in Indianapolis when she said she was going to take my name off the lease for our apartment in Dallas. I told her go ahead, while holding my cell phone out in her direction – then I froze and sang “… but you can’t use my phoooone!”

Most embarrassing moment: Getting slapped in the parking lot of a Huddle House in Indianapolis while approximately 35 people stood watching. And pointing. Oh yeah, and laughing – did I mention the laughing?

NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES…Andre Agassi

Brittney Skye

2009-08-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

All My Exes

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

I used to love her… Brittney Skye

Oh Brittney - or BritNasty as I called her when I got “lippy” – whatever happened to us?
It’s important to point out that I have fought a lot with the men and women listed here in this All My Exes series. Because I did. Physically, emotionally, even meta-physically. Brittney and I would stare at each other from opposite white leather couches in our S&M Room (also called “the living room” when our parents were in town) and fight on a level that transcended our physical reality. In complete silence I would stare at her and ponder what it would look like if G_d revoked Brittany’s essence.

Would she explode? Would she disappear? Would she wither away until there was nothing left of her except two bags of silicone and a metal hip-support plate*?
We were meta-fighting.

* - yes, the hip injury was work-related and the support plate was paid for by worker's comp.

Oh and things got physical as well. In 1999 she pushed me down an escalator at Perimeter Mall, resulting in 6 broken ribs for yours truly. She never apologized and to this day maintains that I deserved it. The push came after I told her I was worried about my sexual health dating someone like her and wondered aloud whether or not they made condoms filled with Dial Antibacterial Soap.

DATA
The best of times: When we were asleep. I found that our relationship was much healthier when one or both of us were sedated. Preferably both, because most of the times when only one of us was sedated, the other was plotting (and possibly carrying out) bodily harm against the other.

The worst of times: Did I mention she was a porn star? You know how in Boogie Nights William H. Macy goes crazy having to “share” his wife with everyone in the general vicinity who ha a functioning set of male genitalia? Yeah, I LIVED that. It was awful.

Proudest moment: AVN Porn Awards Red Carpet 2001.

Most embarrassing moment: See: Proudest moment.

What I’ll miss most: The toot*. Wow the toot. I know it’s sort of a stereotypical thing – porn and cocaine – but wow, they revel in that stuff. Coke just seems to find a way into porn star’s chapped little hands and I was always around to partake.

* Toot means cocaine, just in case you don’t know things. I’m also trying to get the phrase “white power” going as slang for toot, which is slang for cocaine. EXAMPLE: “Jay, you got any white power?”

NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES… G.E. Smith

Emily Bronte

2009-08-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

All My Exes

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

I used to love her… Emily Bronte

We had a thing, me and Emily. What sucked was her family. They were British and annoying and loved to get into the middle of our fights.
I remember her sister Charlotte emailing me once saying “I don’t want to get in the middle of things but last night on G-Chat Emily told me about the fight you had concerning your new bowling ball…”
I wanted to be all like: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, THEN DON’T!!
Ughh… whatever.
It was a tough time for everyone – we were all cranky from malnutrition and bad stress management. I think we could have both been better at being in love.

DATA
The best of times: our Friday night tradition – just the two of us, a couple of pints of ale, some stale bread and fair conversation.

The worst of times: The unbelievable stench coming from every inch of our home. I mean, think about it: no refrigeration, no trash pickup, no shampoo, no Axe body spray, no deodorant… what I'm telling you here is that we were rank.

Proudest moment: Saving her from diphtheria by bleeding the demons out of her system.

Most embarrassing moment: During a one of our fights, I admitted thinking that Wuthering Heights was packed with “pedestrian dialogue.”

What I’ll miss most: The peace and quiet of being in a relationship with a repressed woman.

NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES… Tanya Tucker

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen

2009-08-11T14:45:00.000-07:00

All My Exes

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

She loved nature, and that's why I loved her.

I used to love her… Tiffani-Amber Thiessen

A lot has been said about my on-again-off-again relationship with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. We were a tumultuous duo when we were on-again and even worse when we were off-again.
A typical night out was spent playing pool against teenagers at the Y before having a late (9 pm!) supper at IHOP.
Yeah, we were boring in public but we were demonic at home. We regularly broke bones, vases and aquariums during huge arguments over the silliest things.

“Did you put clean off the top of the ketchup bottle?”
(She hated that gross stuff at around the edge).

“I told you, it’s cool if you use my cocaine straw –
just wipe it down with hand sanitizer when you’re done!!”
(She was a stickler for that one).

I used to hate it when Tiff would leave the house without pants.

DATA
The best of times: Christmas in Missouri in 2002. We threw a dart at a map to decide where we would go for the holidays.

The worst of times: Christmas in Missouri in 2003. Who would have thought we would have hit Missouri with a dart two years in a row? DON’T BLAME IT ON ME!!!

Proudest moment: Helping her get over her relationship with Cisco.

Most embarrassing moment: Thinking (for the first 4 months of our relationship!!) she was somehow related to Joe Theisman.

What I’ll miss most: That glass jar of Oatmeal Cream Pies in her kitchen (she kept it stocked like a Waffle House waitress keeps your glass of sweet tea: to the brim).

NEXT ON ALL MY EXES… Anton the heroin-addicted body builder.

(I never dated Madonna but I couldn’t find a good picture of Anton himself).

Vin Diesel

2009-08-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

ALL MY EXES…

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

I used to love him... Vin Diesel

DATA
The best of times: Our weekly “Wrestlemania” parties. Sunday nights – right before Entourage! He always had to be the good guy. I’d make brownies afterwards. Pre-match showers were mandatory, post-match showers were encouraged.

The worst of times: The big fight. Someone (me) got a bit too competitive during one of our "Wrestlemania" parties and swung something (a fireplace poker) at someone (Vin Diesel). Someone (Vin Diesel) got a broken elbow. Then, because of the broken elbow someone (Vin Diesel) couldn’t be a part of the Kindergarden Cop remake. Then someone’s agent (you guessed it) recommended that a certain bald, bulky actor stop hanging out with a certain someone (you got it again).

Proudest moment: Being a guest on the red carpet for The Iron Giant.

Most embarrassing moment: Being barred from entering the post-screening party for Fast + Furious.

What I’ll miss most: Hanging out with his best friends, Good Charlotte.

NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES… Candice Parker.

Poems about Steve 2

2008-12-18T17:22:00.000-08:00

I'll never forget what Rosario Dawson told me.

It was almost lunchtime on a Saturday -

I was watching a movie preview - when I heard her say

"I never regret."

But Steve, who was folding blankets and sheets and

waking up, says he regrets.

I know I regret -

last night I told Steve that he could have

the

last

taco.

Poems about Steve: 1

2008-12-08T09:49:00.001-08:00

I was exhausted
and laid flat across the bed
the same way Steve spreads ketchup across
a Waffle House patty melt -
although not as meticulously.

Sketch of a poem.

2008-11-18T15:52:00.000-08:00

Homecoming Week

Friday night.
The floats and pickup trucks painted red and black are getting in order on Hancock.
The beer trucks are lined up at the light -
homecoming week: you can't drive through downtown
because of the parade.

Eligible women are lined up at my
door and my assistant tells me:
The food delivery man is here.
He's too afraid to back down the driveway.
Take care of it please, I ask her.
I'm going to sit in my room with the windows open for 2 more minutes:
eyes closed, listening to the marching band up the hill.

Thursday night.
T-Pain's bass is pumping through the kitchen when
what's-her-name calls down from upstairs and tells me to
turn the TV down. It ain't me girl, it's Legion Field.
It's the Day of Soul and amps are turned up to 11.

Besides - she's doing her hair and getting ready to go out.
What do you need silence for?

I'm getting impatient - let's get out of here.
Let's go.
Out.
It's Homecoming Week and all I want to do is leave.

Sketch of an email: the date

2008-07-09T07:20:00.001-07:00

DRAFT #1
Sunday morning 8:39 AM

just wanted to say hey and that i had a good time last night. i also thought it was awesome that you didn't seem to mind my friends - they can be a bit much sometimes.
give me a ring if you want to hang out sometime this week.
-David

DRAFT #2
Sunday afternoon 3:33 PM

Hey girl!
I just wanted to say hello and that I had a great time last night. You handled my friends well, I thought. Some people don't respond to those blunt, revealing rape discussions as well as you did last night. Sorry about that.
XOXO
Dave

DRAFT #3
Sunday evening 8:22 PM

Hey. Last night was cool. I guess.
Listen - hope you weren't offended by my friends. But honestly they're my friends... I'm not going to just drop them because you're offended by certain subjects that they LOVE talking about OK?
Stop trying to change me.
-Dave

PS: call me if you want to hang out this week.

Sketch of a joke: rising prices

2008-07-08T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start blaming everything on gas prices.

"Kesler doesn't seem to be as racist lately...
...what with the gas prices these days."

"My leg is killing me...
...what with the gas prices these days."

"I saw a prostitute stumbling down the street this morning
...what with the gas prices these days."

Sketch of a sketch: the old man

2008-07-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

There's an old man in this sketch. He's wealthy.
On his estate there's a minority - the old man isn't sure what kind of minority he is though. He cuts the grass and takes the trash out.
This landscaping minority has been working on the estate for 40 years and the old man still doesn't know his name.
As a recurring joke, the old man constantly fumbles with his employee's name and racial identity.
"Go tell Lamar to pull the car up front."
"Who sir?"
"Whatever his name is - the Indian man that cuts the grass."
"You mean Kenny sir. And he's from Central America."
"Whatever - I barely know him."
"He's given you a Christmas present for the last 14 years sir."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"He named his first born son after you sir."
"Never-the-less."

Glenn Davis is a fancy, fancy boy.

2008-07-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

Glenn Davis plays for the Boston Celtics.
They won the NBA Championship a few weeks ago.
What could be more badass than the way Glenn Davis chooses to celebrate with the trophy?

A portion of the latest screenplay

2008-06-29T14:33:00.001-07:00

INTERIOR. NIGHT.
A living room. A television sits muted, with a game show playing.There are two couches in the room. One person sits on each.
A woman, SANGRIA, is hemming a green pantsuit.
CHAZ is sitting opposite her and exfoliating his heels.In front of him on the floor is a pile of dead skin.

SANGRIA:
Chaz, I think I’m suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

CHAZ:
What’s that Sangria?

SANGRIA:
It’s like when something bad happens and then after it happens you’re still all jumpy and s**t.

CHAZ:
What happened to give you post-traumatic stress disorder Sangria?

SANGRIA:
Well – the other day I was eating at one of those combo fast food places… you know what I’m talking about? Like, they have those Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combo places…

CHAZ:
I’m familiar with the concept. Two restaurants owned by the same conglomerate share a workspace.

SANGRIA:
Well, I was eating at this combo Hardee’s/Long John Silver’s places and a rat crawled out of my Grilled Rib Meat Sandwich.

CHAZ:
NO!

SANGRIA:
Yes! This really happened – right in front of my face.

CHAZ:
What’d you do? I mean damn girl I don’t know what I would do if that happened to me…

SANGRIA:
Wasn’t nothing I could do. I mean, it was gross when it happened but I just tried not to think about it and finished my sandwich.

CHAZ:
Wait – you finished it?

SANGRIA:
Hell yeah! Thing was $15! I’m damn sure gonna finish it if I pay that much for a sandwich.

CHAZ:
Damn girl… you wrong.

SANGRIA:
What??

CHAZ:
I mean, how are you gonna eat something that had a rat sleeping on it two seconds before you put it in your mouth? That’s nasty!!

SANGRIA:
YOU NASTY!!

CHAZ:
Me?!? You’re one who ate a rat’s sleeping bag!! Calling me nasty…

SANGRIA:
That’s it!!

CHAZ:
That’s what???

SANGRIA:
That’s IT motherf**ker. I’m done. Take your stankin’ ass pant-suit and get the hell out!

CHAZ:
But you’re not done hemming it!

SANGRIA:Shoulda thought about that before you started making fun of my eating habits be-atch.

CHAZ:
That’s cold.

SANGRIA:
Well I’m cold.
Oh – and Chaz … you look like a womens basketball coach in that pant-suit. Go to Men’s Warehouse or something.

Policing the streets

2008-06-09T09:56:00.000-07:00

I'm in the market for a car these days. I've been doing the CraigsList search, which is full of scams and people who "can't read or write."
Then, there's the overly paranoid guys.
I got this faaaantastic email back from someone today about a Honda Accord:

"yes. i only take cash and deal with people locally. if you email with "i can pay by bank check" I am reporting you to craigslist and my uncle who works in the FBI"

Sex in the City=Beer in the Belly

2008-05-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

From one of the great minds of our generation comes ...

Quoth John Nijhawan:

"I suggest you follow my lead and turn this idea into a national movement.

I think it's wise to organize a massive "dude's night out" full of debauchery to coincide with the release of Sex in the City. Every woman and her sister is going to be at that nonsense & therefore all men are off the leash...

If you are accounted for, I think it wise to be stone cold sober when she disembarks for the movie & in the 3 hours she's gone get the drunkest she'll ever see you & COMPLETELY kill her high, thus bringing her back to earth w/ a healthy dose of reality + reminder of who's really boss.

It comes out next Friday, May 30th."

Mercy is For Girl-Babies

2008-05-25T18:41:00.000-07:00

I got published!! I know... I'm so excited. The following excerpt is reprinted from AthensGa.Craigslist.Org

athensga>personals>missed connections

Angry hottie at Piggly Wiggly-(Athens, GA)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-09823487@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-24, 1:39AM EDT

The tips of your hair was magenta. Your jeans were skin tight and low... too low for a thick-legged woman like you.
I was walking out of the Piggly Wiggly on North Avenue. Almost to the car, I turned when I heard you scream. A man was walking with you, holding a bag of potato chips.
YOU SO STUPID!! you screamed as you swung at him.
He dodged and slid to his right, your fingernails coming thiiiiis close to scratching his face.
WE GOT CHIPS!!!
He shuffled for a few steps and regained his composure. The look on your face was as angry as I've ever seen a face.
Will you make me the happiest man in the world... and marry me today?

Location: North Avenue
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 693012847
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"GV: Everytime I laugh, I cry" Or, The Moneyfolder

2008-05-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

We're going to call him "Burrido."

Ol' Burrido went through an entire roll of toilet paper today. It seems that something is wrong with his belly. My guess is the problem is related to the gallon of whiskey he poured in there on Friday and Saturday night.
Yep, we sure Did It Up this weekend. Same ol' stuff - just a couple of veterans putting on the old jerseys one more time.

Here's a book shelf of organic matter - custom made for you!

2008-04-29T20:05:00.000-07:00

I'm printing up shirts that say:
I'm so done long-boarding it's not even funny.

and bumper stickers that say:
My other car is gay.

I have a friend who wears
normal clothes except that
everyday, underneath those
normal clothes he wears
a different pair of
Thundercats pajamas.

Phrases You Never Hear While Waiting For the Elevator in the Parking Deck:

"I'm just dead set on finishing this O Magazine crossword puzzle!"

"I really shouldn't have had that third bottle of margarita mix."

"Any you guys seen a skinhead walk by with a cut on his face? No? Cool."

Psychic Evolution

2008-04-27T17:12:00.001-07:00

Funny Man!

Funny Man!
Mr. Funny Man!
You're so funny with ...

your uh,

funny jokes!!

FUNNY MAN:

When did we stop wearing costumes hunh?

You know what I mean people.
I mean - if you're a six-year old boy you are apparentley allowed attend a public event wearing a full length Wolverine X-Men III costume without anyone batting an eye.
Dressed up.
Completely - head to toe. Totally un-related to whatever event they're participating in.

You're standing in the bathroom line at the Human Right's Festival next thing you know a you get cut in line by a 10-year Shrek donkey.
You're sipping on sweet tea at your aunt's housekeeper's funeral and you see a small raptor with Ninja Turtle roller-skate tennis shoes eating four chocolate chip cookies at once.
It's commonplace!
Parents even keep track of them by their superhero name:
Kevin! Come back towards the house! You too Spiderman.

So when's the cut off people? Hunh?
That's what I want to know.
When are we no longer allowed to wear random costumes? Halloween excluded of course - but like, on a Wednesday in July?
16 years old?
8 years old?
HELP ABBY!!

Day Man: Fighter of the Night Man

2008-04-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

I know two things about her:
She was born in Kansas and
she's afraid of people who wear
too much Shea Butter Lotion.

My neighbor left me a note in Sanscrit.
I had it translated by a dude at the library and
he told me it said:
"We've got extra pie if you want any..."

When I was walking to work this morning I passed a crack-head who I see fairly often.

He more than likely is not an actual crack addict - he probably suffers from a serious mental illness (the broad stroke calls all of these people CrackHeads and everyone knows what they mean when they say it).
Anyway - he was bopping along and yelling out angry phrases to himself as he walked. When he passed me I could make out a little of what he was saying.
Here's the gorgeous prose I heard come out of his mouth:
"THAT'S WHY I DON'T BE F*CKIN' AROUND WITH BLACK WOMEN NO MORE!!"

Ahhh... those less fortunate than us. So funny.

Big Hack.

2008-04-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

I've been bumping 2Pac heavily lately - you know how we do.
Anyway - recently I remembered that in the 'Pac song "Ambitionz As A Rider" Shakur tosses out these two lines:

Can't trust the bitches in the business

so I got with Death Row.

He's referring to signing with Death Row Records, something that - hindsight being 20/20 - was a "bad idea."

I'm not a pastor and I'm not a reverand.

2008-03-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

Listening to local AM church radio and a preacher is railing against same sex marraige and homosexuality... he slipped up and said:

"Gawd said He only want... men with men ONLY.

(Pause two three four five)...

men with WOMEN only."

I giggled to myself.

Face your fears girl!!!

2008-03-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

The weirdest thing!
I walked into a public restroom at the Tangier Outlet Mall and there were no lights on.
I turned on the light.
There was only one toilet in the room.
A man was sitting on it with his pants around his ankles and there was a huge blue tarp wrapped around his waist - it was covering up his legs and the base of the toilet.
NO! he screamed and reached for the light switch.
I looked down and saw that his legs were tiny, thin, pale and completely shaved.
Ewww.... weird.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH: Vernan Gholston (above) and me. Don't make the same mistake lots of people have been making lately!! He is not me!!

you pay for play you getIT??!?

2008-03-14T22:13:00.000-07:00

Do you mind if I make a documentary about you?
(About how weird you are).

I'll get a grant to pay for it and we'll interview people
who know you and your ex-girlfriends.

I'll follow you around with camera and we'll see what your day is like.

I will inundate you with hyp(er) THETICAL questions about
how you would react in certain situations. And then wait in erotic expectantcy for
your amazing answers.

What would you do if someone cut you off in traffic on Christmas Eve in the parking lot of Old Navy?

I'd get out. Walk up to the driver's side door and kick their f***in' side-view mirrors off.

Fascinating.
What would you do if your neighbor dumped a bunch of brush into your backyard?

Use a blade on him - cut a rectangular shape into his back. Pour a gallon of nail polish onto his hood. Set the woods on fire.

Thank-you.

We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.

2008-03-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

1a.
I know you did not just say that to me!

1b.

My friend Chuck (not that one silly!) once told me:

"Women have to do two things: be soft and smell good."

2.
I'm totally and completely ANTI-OXIDANT!!

3----> MY BUDDY AXED ME: Is it racist to call someone "the laziest white man I ever met"?

Upcoming releases from Will Kiser! They make great Easter gifts!

"Pants Optional: The story of a boy and his drinking problem."

"You've Got Something on Your Shirt: A series of semi-interesting haikus"

"Whale Songs: Facing your fears with girl power!"

Blogs with links to other sites!! YAY!!

2008-03-12T13:35:00.000-07:00

You know how you have Your Thing?

Not your Thing. But you know...

EXAMPLE:
I don't know - I just like chicks to use a German accent when we're intimate. It's my thing.

OR:
Yeah - that's my thing. I like smashing up birthday cake into ice-cream before I eat it.

Well, I loooove watching paparazzi get beat up!

I don't know why - I always have. I don't love it in the sense of - well screw them they shouldn't be chasin' after my beloved Jessica Alba!

I couldn't care less about Hollywood and their privacy. it's just funny. I don't why.
Whatev.
BOOM.

More fun stuff y'all!!

Funny book covers.

Photoshop disasters.

Why do Asian girls cry when they see Michael Jackson?

2008-03-06T14:27:00.000-08:00

She's so hot -
it's not even funny.

Gawd! That movie is so terrible -

it's not even funny.

I waited so long for them to open up -

it's not even funny.

It's not sad, it's not happy. It's nothing -

it's not even funny.

Kathy Griffin: not even funny.

Man Man returns to Athens this weekend and I've been reduced to a screaming and crying middle school girl. Complete with my band t-shirt (2 sizes too big, sleeves rolled up) - clutching my Fan Club poster, tears running down red cheeks.
I love this band.

Getting ready for their show takes 5 days - thank g_d this wasn't one of those wacky Secret Myspace shows!! I wouldn't be able to attend.
To get into the right headspace for Man Man I've got to get my hands on:

_one bottle of whiskey (it doesn't matter the brand, it won't be drunk: it's for cleaning surgical tools)

_one pint* of peyote (not sure the unit of measurement for peyote, but whatever it is - I'm going to need enough to get 800 people "high")

_10 gallons of drinking water (2 gallons a day)

And that's just some of the materials-needed. In addition to that, I must go through strenuous stretching, power yoga, hot stone massage and intense meditation.

Go check them out online and bask in their FUN!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury - Uncle Dirty.

2008-03-05T09:18:00.001-08:00

This is wonderful, terrible, fantastic, funny, sad, and SWEET HOLY MOSES!! all in one.
From LoveBryan.com, this is photo essay by Mike Belleme about his great uncle.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The more I think about this man, Uncle Dirty, the more I realize that he may be the foundation of my new religion. Please check out this website - I really think it'll change your life for the better. Thank-you, Will.

The Onion Movie Preview

2008-03-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

You knew this was coming sooner or later (straight to DVD though).

What's the deal with stuff?

2008-02-28T14:12:00.000-08:00

A 'oem*

I'm totally down with dudes.
Not like "down" ... but like - we're cool.
Dudes and bros.
(And brosephs and like brahs).

* - short for poem.

Oh yeah: WillKiser is your new bicycle.

My new band is called Theraputic Restraint. You probably haven't heard of us.

This is a snippet from a real conversation I had this weekend:

ME: So - what kind of music have you been listening to lately?

HIM: A lot of Bruce Hornsby. And the song "Cliffs of Dover" by Eric Johnson.

That's pretty effing specific there. One artist and one song.
By the way - if you're not familiar with "Cliffs of Dover" it's a fret-tapping, instrumental blow-out. Check it out here.
Quick poll: has there ever been a worse answer to the question What music have you been listening to lately? My guess is no.

Unless someone just went and dropped the rare Bon Jovi/T-Pain answer on me.

And that answer, as hideous as it is to my ears, is fine. There's nothing wrong with Cliffs of Dover and Bruce Hornsby. The bro who said it is a good, good brah - a solid dude. I love him, even.

We've got a man on the corner

2008-01-19T22:33:00.000-08:00

Poetry

"Hey!"

I saw you on Saturday night but you didn't see me. At first.

Yeah you were standing there on the corner with your

popped-collar pink shirt yelling into your cell-phone about

how wasted you were the other night.

You knew it was annoying when you did it.

So don’t give me that “I’m calling the cops!” bullshit

when I “punch you in the fucking junk.”

"Knuckles"

OR
"I swear on my girlfriend’s brass knuckles

that the following story is true."

While walking to work this morning

two Able-Bodied Vagrants walked by me.

One said to the other:
I haven’t said anything to him yet...

I’m just showing him with my actions.

"No-stache"
I may have mentioned this before
and if so I apologize -
but please pass it along...
Unless you’re a black male – no facial hair.
Seriously.
It’s over with.
We’re done with it.

I'm going to put my hand right ... here. Tell me if that's a problem.

2007-11-21T12:22:00.000-08:00

I realize how exaggerated this sounds, but I mean this with all of my heart: The best thing I’ve ever done with my entire life – is that I never really got into video games.
Listen to me!
IF I DIE TODAY (keep your fingers crossed) MY TOMBSTONE WILL SAY:

JUST NEVER REALLY GOT INTO MADDEN

Bachelor Party Tips for Fun in the Sun!

2007-11-21T09:33:00.000-08:00

Here's some fun little things you can do to add some spice and (yay!) fun to a bachelor party weekend!

- put some bleach on the groom’s toothbrush. He won’t know what to do!
(I would recommend washing out his mouth with water once he starts screaming and bleeding from his nose, but remember to tell him not to swallow!) Whoops!

- If the groom passes out, wrap duct tape very tightly around his legs. It’ll be a mess in the morning but we’ll all have a good belly laugh!

- Try to convince him to call the wedding off. (This isn’t as fun for his bride but I think it’s hilarious! That’s right, if I’m going to be a miserable bachelor until I drink myself to death at age 30, then I’m bringing you with me motherf***r!)

It is not okay to stare! Got it?

2007-11-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

“Notes Left On My Door 1998-2006”

- Rusty, I left a sack in your mailbox. Good stuff. The kind you like. No PCP this time. Sorry bout that. Love, Mama.

- Hey Fatboy!!!

- Will, sorry for the spray paint on the front door. We’ll pay for the damages. We totally thought you were Arabic. Signed, your neighbors.

- Sorry for leaving early – I just got scared. Scared of loving. Scared of being loved. Scared of getting kicked in the knee during vigorous rigorous. (You’ve got really strong legs).

- The takeout is mine. I usually don’t care if people eat my stuff but this time I do.

- Where were you? I dropped by with the duct tape.