B A L D E R D A S H ! ! !

O U R  N E W  H O M E

A Terrible Glimpse Into the Future?

It was a gray Saturday when the wind blew open my window
and from the mist a voice sayeth: Turn on National Geographic channel for a glimpse into thy future...

I gasped at the visage - a documentary about Russian Internet Bride services but worse: neverbefore seen hideous and yet no doubt the face of noneother than mine own! I was clasping hands with an underage Slavic girl who is biting her bottom lip in our wedding photo.


I saw a vision of a website called Russian Wife You Want? where I would peruse the available mates.
I would search their eyes for the Least Sad of them all
And She I would make my wife.

FAST FORWARD: The time has arrived to make a Russian woman my bride and I need you to help me make up my mind!!
VOTE in the comments section below...
1. Marta; 29: bartender.
"I like man who take charge... buy mink coat for woman and take to movies on weekEND."




2. Olga; 36: seamstress.
"I think woman job is take care of man. Please don't send me home."



3. Svetlana; 32: philosopher.
"I want man who have access to health care and strong dental plan. I will have two babies but no more. High alcohol tolerance."

Time to move Dad into the home...

I feel confident in saying that the sitcom S#*! My Dad
Says is the worst sitcom in the rest-stop toilet bowl of television sitcoms. Other than The Office and 4 minutes of S#*! My Dad Says, I don't watch any television sitcoms and yet I'm still pretty damn sure that this is the bottom of the barrel.
It was like the generic "Awful Sitcom" you'd see a snippet of in a movie, a fake ad for a fake TV show - like the Jason Schwartzman sitcom "Yo Teach!" from the movie Funny People.

BACKGROUND (I'm not hating): If you don't know, the story behind S#*! My Dad Says is that a twenty-something year old guy had to move back in with his parents. His dad is old and awesome and says kick-ass things. The guy posts said kick-ass things onto Twitter account... account becomes popular...dude signs a book and tv-show deal.
Here's one of my favorites:



You could call the family a sell-out but I promise you I'd sign up if CBS wanted to do a half-hour every week about my mass emails.

Who wouldn't take the money? Get your money, son/Let's go!!/Stay on your grind - but this is bad.
The dialogue is horrible and the story is laughable and the punchlines are awful. To balance all that out, the acting is also gawd-awful.

Worst of all, William Shatner is part of this Hot Garbage (not as popular a genre as Romantic Comedy) - tarnishing his name reading off of cue cards along with a half-MadTV cast in a show so awful it should be called Tyler Perry's S#*! My Dad Says.

I can hear just fine - I've just never heard of MadTV alright?!?!

Black Sports Online

My source for all things Black Sports related, Black Sports Online, has one of the most badass masthead images I've ever seen.

Ever wondered how a rapper's girlfriend, a white dude and an underwear model could be considered either: BLACK or SPORTS? Well...
Above is the original, and in the version below I have labeled everything very plainly for your enjoyment so that you may understand.

** - my editors were unsure of whether or not I can label Tiger Woods as "black" and the same discussion was had over whether or not the un-named model was "sports" or not due to her wearing Redskins jersey.

My Result: 100%

How LET'S GO!!!! are you?

You are without a doubt, LET'S GO!!!


1. Music favorites? Bieber, Ga-Ga or Motorhead?
ANSWER: Motorhead

2. Do you ever worry about not being able to compete with your peers?
ANSWER: What if you don't have peers?

3. Movie favorites? Black Knight, Friday After Next or Sleeping With The Enemy?
ANSWER: I don't have time to watch movies (too busy [Let's] Going{!}).

4. SCENARIO: Traffic is bad and it's starting to rain. Your boss was being passive aggressive at work and you miss your ex-girlfriend. Do you get discouraged and question the direction of your life? How do you handle it?
ANSWER: I pull off the road and drive up the shoulder to the next exit, while on the phone with my boss I tell him (over the crunching of the gravel and the police sirens) that I will no longer tolerate his attitude. If he doesn't like it then I will begin slowly destroying our office from the inside: stolen office supplies at first, then in-fighting amongst employees before culminating in a large-scale class action sexual harassment suit.
On my way home I stop at an Applebees and walk out with the hostess. Did I mention: LET'S GO!!!?????

With Darwin's permission...

When I was younger my parents raised boxers. They said the key to a well-trained dog, especially a boxer, was training it at the beach.

Here's an old home movie. Y'all...

---

Things I Would Never Make Fun of:

If I was ever driving down North Avenue and I saw a vagrant wearing a shirt that said I WORK HERE on the back, I wouldn't say something mean/funny** to myself. I'm not saying that happened, but if that did happen I would never make fun of it. Never.

**- The vagrant/I WORK HERE combo is similar to the hipster who once wore a "trucker hat."

I'm not actually a truck driver or a poor person,

therefore this poor person's hat is a wild juxtoposition.

If you care about comedy... WEB-EDITION

"Get your mind right"

1). Gary Carter Raw - the best fake celebrity Twitter account in the history of fake celebrity Twitter accounts.

Here's an example of what you're getting on the reg from G.Carter Raw:

Will Clark once told me the best part about baseball was if you started

crying in the outfield people just thought you were sweating

Doug Drabek had a saying "ciggerettes and coffee go together like German techno music and ball gags" painted on the back of his Geo Tracker

2). Do's & Don'ts: Vice Magazine.

This is only for people who are really serious about this comedy thing okay? I'm serious.

This section of Vice Magazine takes street fashion photos, all submitted by readers, and classifies them as either a Do or Don't, then writes a snide caption to go with the photo.

Peep this:

Making fun of redheads always seems weird and artificial outside of Britain, but combining it with that stupid emo swoosh and the tear-streaked mascara is just asking for trouble.

(VICE MAGAZINE)

I stare at men's bodies... I drink them in.

The Charles Barkley Memorial Ol' Bad-Body Ass All-Star Team

Bad-Body: One word. Used to describe an athlete with a soft and/or sloping physique.
Grammatically, this is a tough one. You've got "bad-body" which is the description you're tagging the subject with. The use of "ass" can be confusing for some - that word still refers to the subject, but it replaces their proper name. Thus, "Rick has a bad-body" becomes "Ol' bad-body ass." " Ol' " is thrown in strictly for flare - it spices up the "sentence."

Now, the phrase does not necessarily degrade the person's athletic ability - in fact, many of the people on the following list are quite athletic. For one reason or another, whether due to genetic quirks or an overproduction of sloth, their bodies have revolted against the demands of their profession. And yet they've managed to make it to the highest level of their sport.

EXAMPLE: Charles, a fat and soft man, is running faster than everyone around him. "Look at Charles running all hard - ol' bad-body ass m*****f*****."

The inspiration for this list of players is Charles Barkley, a man who will certainly go down as one of the greatest to ever play the game of basketball. Although he never won a title, Barkley excelled at every point in his career and was a consistent threat to score and rebound the ball. Despite playing a position where most of his opponents were at least 4 inches taller than he was, Chuck was a beast.A beast with a soft belly and a complete absence of any muscle tone ANYWHERE on his body. It wasn't just that he was fat - and he was overweight - it was that he looked like he had never worked out in his life.

Let's take a look at some of the others:

Warren Sapp
Sapp was a DOMINANT football player, in college and the pros. He was incredibly quick and light on his feet for someone of his size. He could dunk a basketball - and was even on "Dancing With the Stars." Warren Sapp was strong and explosive... and soft.

This is the body of a world-class athlete.

Paul Pierce

Highly accomplished player with multiple World Championships. Also see: soft mid-section and flabby arms.

Desagana Diop
A seven-foot center, Diop has somehow managed to be huge AND weak. He's a massive person, yet he's got thin arms with very little muscle mass. During my short and illustrious sports-media career I was able to watch Diop work out for the Hawks when he was entering the NBA Draft. He looked like a human hacky sack out there, barely coming off the floor when he "jumped." Simply stunning. He now makes millions of dollars playing professional basketball.

In English, "Diop" means "skinny arms, large belly."

Marvin Williams
Marvin is a tough case because he's not fat, he's just built in a strange way. The two things that stand out to me are his narrow shoulders and HUGE ass, both strange components to a person who is extremely tall and long. Also, my buddy J.W. thinks he looks like Howard the Duck.

This is Marvin! You know - your cousin Marvin?!?! The one that looks like a duck.

Chad Lavalais
The former LSU Tiger and Atlanta Falcon was quite soft around the middle and for someone who played a position that REQUIRES strength, he severely lacked any semblance of muscle. The Falcons linemen used to call him Candle Wax because his torso looked like a melted candle. That's always a good sign.

What do you do for a living? Oh, I exercise.

A Poem

"Ignoring the Screams Whilst Walking"

Trust me, they will scream at you when they drive by.

Late at night especially. Sometimes the beasts will even throw a
Tervis Tumbler when they fly by. But
don't Flinch
when the truck goes screaming by screeching and heckling
don't Break
your stare at the ground and whatever you do don't look up!
Don't give them the satisfaction.

The fratsters and the drunks and elderly and the bachelorettes will all scream at you
while you walk along the sidewalk: headphones in ears, hands in pockets... head down. But don't give
them the satisfaction and
don't break your traction and
don't look up - they're just mad because you're
so much more environmentally conscious than they are.

Rich Thompson, Offensive Line (New York Giants)

All My Exes
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

DATA
The best of times:
Short and sweet was my time with Richie. Well, not really sweet exactly. More like: this dude beat me up every afternoon for a few weeks in the early '70s.
The football Giants had just finished a disappointing 8-6 season. I met Richie on my way down the steps to the Wilson Avenue stop in Brooklyn. I struck up a conversation. I was really excited at first - as a sandlot league player I wore my Thompson jersey every game (a jersey I had to work an entire summer for - hosing down suspicious immigrants in the Port Authority Cleaning Station. One day's pay was 5 cents! The jersey? It cost me $767).
I couldn't help but notice a certain rage lurking behind Richie's eyes that seemed to stir a little when he met me, like a fussy baby starting to wake up from a 4-minute nap.
I think he saw in me a chance to purge his own self-hatred - and if he's lucky, maybe even wipe that disappointing season out of his head.
Oh yeah one more thing - I also think he was a sicko who liked to beat up kids, did I mention that?

The worst of times:
The whole time. To a passerby it may have looked like some sort of mutual assault, between father and son maybe?

**I'm sorry, I'm really disorganized and I should've cleared this up at first: things were never physical.**

(I should say that things were never romantically physical. Nothing like that).

But yes, he beat me mercilessly over the period of two weeks that December.

Proudest moment:
Standing up on the first day of class and telling everyone what I did during my Christmas break. I wasn't so proud of the subsequent meeting I had to have with the guidance counselor and my parents.

What I’ll miss most:
The fear. It was exhilarating and addictive and I've unsuccessfully chased it ever since.
Oh yeah - I'll also miss being able to celebrate Christmas without going into a Post-Traumatic fetal position.

NEXT ON ALL MY EXES...

The Lady of Rage: Professional Rappera^
I knew there was a bit of anti-white sentiment in her music going into it but she took things too far when she rocked a little too rough (and stuff) with one of my Afro Puffs.*

^ - In certain instances the female rapper is referred to as a "rappera" as in "Who is your favorite rappera - Lauryn Hill or Drake?"

* - The ONLY valid and even slightly recognizable reference to The Lady of Rage is a reference to Afro Puffs. It is mandatory.

Catherine Bach (Daisy Duke "The Dukes of Hazzard")

All My Exes

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

DATA
The best of times: Every day was a roller coaster bro ... back in those days people weren't in your business. If you drank too much and fought with your girlfriend in a crowded bar nobody was taking pictures of it with their phone and yelling stuff like "IMMA PUT THIS ON YOUTUBE!!!"
When it was good - it was REAL good. But when it was bad...

The worst of times: I once told Catherine that she was "one Danny Wuerfell jersey away from looking like the drunkest Florida fan I've ever met." I regretted it immediately. I should've said "canvas Gators handbag."


Proudest moment: One night we snuck onto the set of "The Dukes of Hazzard" and drunkenly rolled around on the hood of the General Lee. The next day I was hanging out on the set, eating free food and hitting up the crew for weed when one of the Duke boys* was shooting a sequence where he (typically) slid across the hood of his car. He got a running start, jumped and slid halfway across before violently stopping then spinning and flying off the hood. GODDAMMIT!! he screams. CUT!! yells the director and crew members rush to the actor's side.
The set was quiet as one of the crew members inspected the hood of the car. Finally one of them yelled out "Why is there LOTION on the General Lee?!?!?!!"
Catherine and I shared a quick glance. I may have winked but I can't remember.

* - I met the actors who played The Duke Boys, I hung out with them and drank with them for 3 years straight and I never once learned either of their names. It was sort of "my thing" back then, to not learn people's names.

What I’ll miss most:
Her poetry. Honestly, it was incredible. She created these surreal landscapes of a post-apocalyptic world full of rage and love and more questions than answers.
I saved one of them that I will share with you now.

"WATCH/BUT/DON'T/TURN/AWAY"
or "Why didn't you help me when I needed it most?"
For Will and for Daddy.

There are four of them
standing at the window.

They watch him
in the bathroom:
steamed windows,
socks on the floor
and yet the watchers have no idea

that i watch them as well
through infrared eyes.
I can see how hot their blood is
underneath skin that is thick like denim and
scarred like an old belt
and they have no idea
how easily that same skin will
tear underneath my knife.

-c.b.
1981

NEXT ON ALL MY EXES...

BURT BACHARACH: you son of a bitch.

If you care about comedy...

If You Care About Comedy

An Awareness Campaign for Good Humour

Bateman + Arnett

It's a little too long, but make sure you stick around until Will Arnett walks in - then let him take you away.

Mack's Backin' Outta Town

Leaving behind a string of un-fulfilled women, unpaid debts and broken promises, illustrator and charismatic frontman Mack Williams heads to Brooklyn next week.

Over the past three nights we've said goodbye to Mack. Three nights are needed - 'cause it's a process saying farewell to an institution - something that can't exactly be done over a Piggly Wiggly cake and a quick slap on the back in the break room.

Saturday night was incidentally the final hurrah for the Athens venue Tasty World. After 100 years (give or take) of operation, owner and operator Murphy Wolford is closing the place down.

***An aside:

One time when I played at Tasty World some of my bandmates threw a cream pie into our banjo player's face. During the show. It was packed house and the crowd loved it. So did I.***

Last night the gritty, tried and true Bearfoot Hookers finished the night off in style, inviting the crowd onstage to sing along with Mack.

Goodbye to Tasty World they sang... and goodbye to Mack Williams.

I met Mack around the same time I met Tasty World.

I was an undergrad at UGA and working at The Red & Black Newspaper. A fresh faced cartoonist burst into our offices one day with a red bandana in his back left pocket (he's a top!) and a portfolio of ideas under his arm. His drawings were crude scratchings but there was something in them that made me say - Give this man a job.

And so it was and over the next few years I would take that submissive artist under my wing, honing his talents and sharpening his sarcastic wit. His work improved tenfold and the response from professors, the student body and the publishing world was deafening: "Kiser's Latest Protege a Hit" declared the tabloids.

Courtesy of The Red & Black Newspaper

After a brief post-college stop doing editorial work Williams made his big breakthrough with 70/30 Productions, helping to create the Adult Swim show SeaLab 2020. From there he helped develop Frisky Dingo, before his latest (and most successful venture) Archer.

Animation from "Frisky Dingo"

As director of animation on Archer, Williams shed blood and endured many sleepless nights but the results were well worth it. The show was picked up for a second season and was deemed a hit amongst the Bearded Skinny Jeans crowd, a demographic close to Williams' heart.

Mack Williams created this by cutting and pasting clip art from FancyClipArtYall.com

Goodbye Mack and goodbye Tasty World.

Goodbye to fun and fellowship, but not forever.

We had some good times me and Mack Williams; me and Tasty World. Like I said, it's not goodbye forever. Hopefully I'll visit Mack in New York and it'll be just like old times - when he was the student and I was the teacher.

And when that day comes I'll stick a red bandana in his back left pocket and tell him he's tops in my book.

Love,

Will

Information Bulletin!

Please, for the last time: I AM NOT DARNELL DOCKETT, Arizona Cardinals Defensive Lineman!

NOT ME!! The above photo is of Darnell Dockett - not me.

So I'm getting some boneless buffalo ranch chicken wings at Wendy's (I always eat at Wendy's on the road - it's been a tradition of mine for the last 36 years) when sure-enough, someone in line said to me "Hey Darnell Dockett - I didn't know you ate at Wendy's!"
To which I said

a). I'm not Darnell Dockett and

b). I ONLY eat at Wendy's motherf***er.

SCARY ISN'T IT??!? "I know I look just like Will Kiser but
I'm not - I'm Darnell Dockett."

That's me on the left (obviously) - I just couldn't break it to him that I wasn't actually Darnell Dockett. (And yes, we're standing in his garage).

Bulldogs resort to animal abuse! SAVE THE CHIMPS!!

As an esteemed environmentalist and noted football enthusiast I am torn in this, my latest battle with those who would see our planet with nary an endangered monkey upon it.
I am thusly torn, you'll see, when I tell you that it is the very football squad that I hold dearest to my heart are the ones attacking the chimp nation.
I was dismayed to find out this terrible news while perusing Bulldawg Illustrated last week (headline below).

(click on the photo if you have trouble reading the headline).

I have two problems with this strategy:
a). The chimps are endangered. Don't bring them out onto a football field - they're going to get torn apart.
b). How is this going to help us against Florida's offensive attack?






And yes, I know - I went to a lot of trouble for such a mediocre payoff but at least I'm trying. That's more than I can say for most of you.

Bill Emerson 1923-2009

“Southerners are generous, fun-loving people.
Homicidal, but basically decent folk.”
-Bill Emerson

If I'm funny - and I'm not saying that I am - but if I am... it's probably because of my great-uncle Bill Emerson.
My entire life has been filled with summers and holidays sitting next to him and listening to him talk - because it was fascinating and funny and powerful.
He was my great uncle, married to my grandfather's sister, the greatest wordsmith I have ever had the privilege of conversing with and he died two days ago at the age of 86.

Bill wasn't a "funny guy," he didn't send wacky emails or repeat jokes he heard on Conan last night.
He was more than that; funny isn't the right way to describe him.
He could write serious prose - and did - but his humor was deep and thoughtful and although it was rated R it was never offensive or ugly. We're not talking foul-mouthed stand-up comedy here, we're talking poetry.
When he spoke people stopped what they were doing and gathered - trying as hard as they could to soak up every word he said so that they could repeat it later.
Were his stories true? Mostly. Probably embellished a little bit.
Did William Faulkner really chase him off his property with a shotgun because Bill made a pass at his mother? Probably not. But goddam, you should have heard the story.

I've included some links to articles on the web, and yes on the day that Dominick Dunne and Ted Kennedy's obituary ran The New York Times still found room for Bill Emerson.

• Doug Cumming (Like The Dew: A Journal of Southern Culture & Politics)
  

• The New York Times
  

• Author Phillip Lee Williams
  

• Atlanta Journal & Constitution
  

** ADDITION: PeachBuzz covers Bill Emerson's funeral here.

As you can see by my haircut, I'm very closed minded.

We've all seen it: the SEC-school-white-guy frat-cut. The important part of the cut is that it must cover the entire forehead, otherwise it is a cheap imitation of the actual style. This haircut tells me everything I need to know about the person.
There are the common variations that occur as well - for instance, in a college town like Athens or Knoxville, many of the white private high school bros will start to style their hair in a sort of copy-cat manner.


"The Tuscaloosa Swoop"
This is my favorite label for the haircut, coined by James Wickliffe.



"Bama Bangs"
Two years ago Clay Travis wrote the essential guide to the haircut, and re-introduced the primary nickname for the haircut.

"Kali pulls me aside and asks if I have a camera.
Unfortunately I don't.
"Because every boy in here has 'Bama Bangs," she says.
I look around the room.
There are more than 10 Alabama guys and
every single one of them has the same haircut.
It's like being 4 years old again back when
every mom in Nashville gave her kid a puffy bowl cut. "

Follow-up column from Travis is here.

Erykah Badu

All My Exes

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

Those beads aren’t for decoration. I’ll explain later.
(Let’s hope she used some hand sanitizer after this photo shoot).

I used to love her… Erykah Badu

DATA

The best of times:Getting a shout-out during the 2001 BET Awards from Erykah. Our relationship had hit a high point and we were happy. If only for a moment.

The worst of times: The wigs are cool, don’t get me wrong. But seeing them hanging up in her closet makes you feel like you’re dating a serial killer who “likes to collects things from her victims.”

Proudest moment: Using one of her own songs as an insult during one of our fights. We were standing outside of a Huddle House in Indianapolis when she said she was going to take my name off the lease for our apartment in Dallas. I told her go ahead, while holding my cell phone out in her direction – then I froze and sang “… but you can’t use my phoooone!”

Most embarrassing moment: Getting slapped in the parking lot of a Huddle House in Indianapolis while approximately 35 people stood watching. And pointing. Oh yeah, and laughing – did I mention the laughing?

NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES…Andre Agassi

Brittney Skye

All My Exes

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

I used to love her… Brittney Skye

Oh Brittney - or BritNasty as I called her when I got “lippy” – whatever happened to us?
It’s important to point out that I have fought a lot with the men and women listed here in this All My Exes series. Because I did. Physically, emotionally, even meta-physically. Brittney and I would stare at each other from opposite white leather couches in our S&M Room (also called “the living room” when our parents were in town) and fight on a level that transcended our physical reality. In complete silence I would stare at her and ponder what it would look like if G_d revoked Brittany’s essence.

Would she explode? Would she disappear? Would she wither away until there was nothing left of her except two bags of silicone and a metal hip-support plate*?
We were meta-fighting.

* - yes, the hip injury was work-related and the support plate was paid for by worker's comp.

Oh and things got physical as well. In 1999 she pushed me down an escalator at Perimeter Mall, resulting in 6 broken ribs for yours truly. She never apologized and to this day maintains that I deserved it. The push came after I told her I was worried about my sexual health dating someone like her and wondered aloud whether or not they made condoms filled with Dial Antibacterial Soap.

DATA
The best of times: When we were asleep. I found that our relationship was much healthier when one or both of us were sedated. Preferably both, because most of the times when only one of us was sedated, the other was plotting (and possibly carrying out) bodily harm against the other.

The worst of times: Did I mention she was a porn star? You know how in Boogie Nights William H. Macy goes crazy having to “share” his wife with everyone in the general vicinity who ha a functioning set of male genitalia? Yeah, I LIVED that. It was awful.

Proudest moment: AVN Porn Awards Red Carpet 2001.

Most embarrassing moment: See: Proudest moment.

What I’ll miss most: The toot*. Wow the toot. I know it’s sort of a stereotypical thing – porn and cocaine – but wow, they revel in that stuff. Coke just seems to find a way into porn star’s chapped little hands and I was always around to partake.

* Toot means cocaine, just in case you don’t know things. I’m also trying to get the phrase “white power” going as slang for toot, which is slang for cocaine. EXAMPLE: “Jay, you got any white power?”

NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES… G.E. Smith

Emily Bronte

All My Exes

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

I used to love her… Emily Bronte

We had a thing, me and Emily. What sucked was her family. They were British and annoying and loved to get into the middle of our fights.
I remember her sister Charlotte emailing me once saying “I don’t want to get in the middle of things but last night on G-Chat Emily told me about the fight you had concerning your new bowling ball…”
I wanted to be all like: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, THEN DON’T!!
Ughh… whatever.
It was a tough time for everyone – we were all cranky from malnutrition and bad stress management. I think we could have both been better at being in love.


DATA
The best of times: our Friday night tradition – just the two of us, a couple of pints of ale, some stale bread and fair conversation.

The worst of times: The unbelievable stench coming from every inch of our home. I mean, think about it: no refrigeration, no trash pickup, no shampoo, no Axe body spray, no deodorant… what I'm telling you here is that we were rank.

Proudest moment: Saving her from diphtheria by bleeding the demons out of her system.

Most embarrassing moment: During a one of our fights, I admitted thinking that Wuthering Heights was packed with “pedestrian dialogue.”

What I’ll miss most: The peace and quiet of being in a relationship with a repressed woman.

NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES… Tanya Tucker