Rich Thompson, Offensive Line (New York Giants)

All My Exes
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

DATA
The best of times:
Short and sweet was my time with Richie. Well, not really sweet exactly. More like: this dude beat me up every afternoon for a few weeks in the early '70s.
The football Giants had just finished a disappointing 8-6 season. I met Richie on my way down the steps to the Wilson Avenue stop in Brooklyn. I struck up a conversation. I was really excited at first - as a sandlot league player I wore my Thompson jersey every game (a jersey I had to work an entire summer for - hosing down suspicious immigrants in the Port Authority Cleaning Station. One day's pay was 5 cents! The jersey? It cost me $767).
I couldn't help but notice a certain rage lurking behind Richie's eyes that seemed to stir a little when he met me, like a fussy baby starting to wake up from a 4-minute nap.
I think he saw in me a chance to purge his own self-hatred - and if he's lucky, maybe even wipe that disappointing season out of his head.
Oh yeah one more thing - I also think he was a sicko who liked to beat up kids, did I mention that?

The worst of times:
The whole time. To a passerby it may have looked like some sort of mutual assault, between father and son maybe?

**I'm sorry, I'm really disorganized and I should've cleared this up at first: things were never physical.**

(I should say that things were never romantically physical. Nothing like that).

But yes, he beat me mercilessly over the period of two weeks that December.

Proudest moment:
Standing up on the first day of class and telling everyone what I did during my Christmas break. I wasn't so proud of the subsequent meeting I had to have with the guidance counselor and my parents.

What I’ll miss most:
The fear. It was exhilarating and addictive and I've unsuccessfully chased it ever since.
Oh yeah - I'll also miss being able to celebrate Christmas without going into a Post-Traumatic fetal position.

NEXT ON ALL MY EXES...

The Lady of Rage: Professional Rappera^
I knew there was a bit of anti-white sentiment in her music going into it but she took things too far when she rocked a little too rough (and stuff) with one of my Afro Puffs.*

^ - In certain instances the female rapper is referred to as a "rappera" as in "Who is your favorite rappera - Lauryn Hill or Drake?"

* - The ONLY valid and even slightly recognizable reference to The Lady of Rage is a reference to Afro Puffs. It is mandatory.

Catherine Bach (Daisy Duke "The Dukes of Hazzard")

All My Exes

An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

DATA
The best of times: Every day was a roller coaster bro ... back in those days people weren't in your business. If you drank too much and fought with your girlfriend in a crowded bar nobody was taking pictures of it with their phone and yelling stuff like "IMMA PUT THIS ON YOUTUBE!!!"
When it was good - it was REAL good. But when it was bad...

The worst of times: I once told Catherine that she was "one Danny Wuerfell jersey away from looking like the drunkest Florida fan I've ever met." I regretted it immediately. I should've said "canvas Gators handbag."


Proudest moment: One night we snuck onto the set of "The Dukes of Hazzard" and drunkenly rolled around on the hood of the General Lee. The next day I was hanging out on the set, eating free food and hitting up the crew for weed when one of the Duke boys* was shooting a sequence where he (typically) slid across the hood of his car. He got a running start, jumped and slid halfway across before violently stopping then spinning and flying off the hood. GODDAMMIT!! he screams. CUT!! yells the director and crew members rush to the actor's side.
The set was quiet as one of the crew members inspected the hood of the car. Finally one of them yelled out "Why is there LOTION on the General Lee?!?!?!!"
Catherine and I shared a quick glance. I may have winked but I can't remember.

* - I met the actors who played The Duke Boys, I hung out with them and drank with them for 3 years straight and I never once learned either of their names. It was sort of "my thing" back then, to not learn people's names.

What I’ll miss most:
Her poetry. Honestly, it was incredible. She created these surreal landscapes of a post-apocalyptic world full of rage and love and more questions than answers.
I saved one of them that I will share with you now.

"WATCH/BUT/DON'T/TURN/AWAY"
or "Why didn't you help me when I needed it most?"
For Will and for Daddy.

There are four of them
standing at the window.

They watch him
in the bathroom:
steamed windows,
socks on the floor
and yet the watchers have no idea

that i watch them as well
through infrared eyes.
I can see how hot their blood is
underneath skin that is thick like denim and
scarred like an old belt
and they have no idea
how easily that same skin will
tear underneath my knife.

-c.b.
1981

NEXT ON ALL MY EXES...

BURT BACHARACH: you son of a bitch.

If you care about comedy...

If You Care About Comedy

An Awareness Campaign for Good Humour

Bateman + Arnett

It's a little too long, but make sure you stick around until Will Arnett walks in - then let him take you away.

Mack's Backin' Outta Town

Leaving behind a string of un-fulfilled women, unpaid debts and broken promises, illustrator and charismatic frontman Mack Williams heads to Brooklyn next week.

Over the past three nights we've said goodbye to Mack. Three nights are needed - 'cause it's a process saying farewell to an institution - something that can't exactly be done over a Piggly Wiggly cake and a quick slap on the back in the break room.

Saturday night was incidentally the final hurrah for the Athens venue Tasty World. After 100 years (give or take) of operation, owner and operator Murphy Wolford is closing the place down.

***An aside:

One time when I played at Tasty World some of my bandmates threw a cream pie into our banjo player's face. During the show. It was packed house and the crowd loved it. So did I.***

Last night the gritty, tried and true Bearfoot Hookers finished the night off in style, inviting the crowd onstage to sing along with Mack.

Goodbye to Tasty World they sang... and goodbye to Mack Williams.

I met Mack around the same time I met Tasty World.

I was an undergrad at UGA and working at The Red & Black Newspaper. A fresh faced cartoonist burst into our offices one day with a red bandana in his back left pocket (he's a top!) and a portfolio of ideas under his arm. His drawings were crude scratchings but there was something in them that made me say - Give this man a job.

And so it was and over the next few years I would take that submissive artist under my wing, honing his talents and sharpening his sarcastic wit. His work improved tenfold and the response from professors, the student body and the publishing world was deafening: "Kiser's Latest Protege a Hit" declared the tabloids.

Courtesy of The Red & Black Newspaper

After a brief post-college stop doing editorial work Williams made his big breakthrough with 70/30 Productions, helping to create the Adult Swim show SeaLab 2020. From there he helped develop Frisky Dingo, before his latest (and most successful venture) Archer.

Animation from "Frisky Dingo"

As director of animation on Archer, Williams shed blood and endured many sleepless nights but the results were well worth it. The show was picked up for a second season and was deemed a hit amongst the Bearded Skinny Jeans crowd, a demographic close to Williams' heart.

Mack Williams created this by cutting and pasting clip art from FancyClipArtYall.com

Goodbye Mack and goodbye Tasty World.

Goodbye to fun and fellowship, but not forever.

We had some good times me and Mack Williams; me and Tasty World. Like I said, it's not goodbye forever. Hopefully I'll visit Mack in New York and it'll be just like old times - when he was the student and I was the teacher.

And when that day comes I'll stick a red bandana in his back left pocket and tell him he's tops in my book.

Love,

Will