With Darwin's permission...

When I was younger my parents raised boxers. They said the key to a well-trained dog, especially a boxer, was training it at the beach.

Here's an old home movie. Y'all...

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Things I Would Never Make Fun of:

If I was ever driving down North Avenue and I saw a vagrant wearing a shirt that said I WORK HERE on the back, I wouldn't say something mean/funny** to myself. I'm not saying that happened, but if that did happen I would never make fun of it. Never.

**- The vagrant/I WORK HERE combo is similar to the hipster who once wore a "trucker hat."

I'm not actually a truck driver or a poor person,

therefore this poor person's hat is a wild juxtoposition.

If you care about comedy... WEB-EDITION

"Get your mind right"

1). Gary Carter Raw - the best fake celebrity Twitter account in the history of fake celebrity Twitter accounts.

Here's an example of what you're getting on the reg from G.Carter Raw:

Will Clark once told me the best part about baseball was if you started

crying in the outfield people just thought you were sweating

Doug Drabek had a saying "ciggerettes and coffee go together like German techno music and ball gags" painted on the back of his Geo Tracker

2). Do's & Don'ts: Vice Magazine.

This is only for people who are really serious about this comedy thing okay? I'm serious.

This section of Vice Magazine takes street fashion photos, all submitted by readers, and classifies them as either a Do or Don't, then writes a snide caption to go with the photo.

Peep this:

Making fun of redheads always seems weird and artificial outside of Britain, but combining it with that stupid emo swoosh and the tear-streaked mascara is just asking for trouble.

(VICE MAGAZINE)

I stare at men's bodies... I drink them in.

The Charles Barkley Memorial Ol' Bad-Body Ass All-Star Team

Bad-Body: One word. Used to describe an athlete with a soft and/or sloping physique.
Grammatically, this is a tough one. You've got "bad-body" which is the description you're tagging the subject with. The use of "ass" can be confusing for some - that word still refers to the subject, but it replaces their proper name. Thus, "Rick has a bad-body" becomes "Ol' bad-body ass." " Ol' " is thrown in strictly for flare - it spices up the "sentence."

Now, the phrase does not necessarily degrade the person's athletic ability - in fact, many of the people on the following list are quite athletic. For one reason or another, whether due to genetic quirks or an overproduction of sloth, their bodies have revolted against the demands of their profession. And yet they've managed to make it to the highest level of their sport.

EXAMPLE: Charles, a fat and soft man, is running faster than everyone around him. "Look at Charles running all hard - ol' bad-body ass m*****f*****."

The inspiration for this list of players is Charles Barkley, a man who will certainly go down as one of the greatest to ever play the game of basketball. Although he never won a title, Barkley excelled at every point in his career and was a consistent threat to score and rebound the ball. Despite playing a position where most of his opponents were at least 4 inches taller than he was, Chuck was a beast.A beast with a soft belly and a complete absence of any muscle tone ANYWHERE on his body. It wasn't just that he was fat - and he was overweight - it was that he looked like he had never worked out in his life.

Let's take a look at some of the others:

Warren Sapp
Sapp was a DOMINANT football player, in college and the pros. He was incredibly quick and light on his feet for someone of his size. He could dunk a basketball - and was even on "Dancing With the Stars." Warren Sapp was strong and explosive... and soft.

This is the body of a world-class athlete.

Paul Pierce

Highly accomplished player with multiple World Championships. Also see: soft mid-section and flabby arms.

Desagana Diop
A seven-foot center, Diop has somehow managed to be huge AND weak. He's a massive person, yet he's got thin arms with very little muscle mass. During my short and illustrious sports-media career I was able to watch Diop work out for the Hawks when he was entering the NBA Draft. He looked like a human hacky sack out there, barely coming off the floor when he "jumped." Simply stunning. He now makes millions of dollars playing professional basketball.

In English, "Diop" means "skinny arms, large belly."

Marvin Williams
Marvin is a tough case because he's not fat, he's just built in a strange way. The two things that stand out to me are his narrow shoulders and HUGE ass, both strange components to a person who is extremely tall and long. Also, my buddy J.W. thinks he looks like Howard the Duck.

This is Marvin! You know - your cousin Marvin?!?! The one that looks like a duck.

Chad Lavalais
The former LSU Tiger and Atlanta Falcon was quite soft around the middle and for someone who played a position that REQUIRES strength, he severely lacked any semblance of muscle. The Falcons linemen used to call him Candle Wax because his torso looked like a melted candle. That's always a good sign.

What do you do for a living? Oh, I exercise.

A Poem

"Ignoring the Screams Whilst Walking"

Trust me, they will scream at you when they drive by.

Late at night especially. Sometimes the beasts will even throw a
Tervis Tumbler when they fly by. But
don't Flinch
when the truck goes screaming by screeching and heckling
don't Break
your stare at the ground and whatever you do don't look up!
Don't give them the satisfaction.

The fratsters and the drunks and elderly and the bachelorettes will all scream at you
while you walk along the sidewalk: headphones in ears, hands in pockets... head down. But don't give
them the satisfaction and
don't break your traction and
don't look up - they're just mad because you're
so much more environmentally conscious than they are.