DRAFT #1
Sunday morning 8:39 AM
just wanted to say hey and that i had a good time last night. i also thought it was awesome that you didn't seem to mind my friends - they can be a bit much sometimes.
give me a ring if you want to hang out sometime this week.
-David
DRAFT #2
Sunday afternoon 3:33 PM
Hey girl!
I just wanted to say hello and that I had a great time last night. You handled my friends well, I thought. Some people don't respond to those blunt, revealing rape discussions as well as you did last night. Sorry about that.
XOXO
Dave
DRAFT #3
Sunday evening 8:22 PM
Hey. Last night was cool. I guess.
Listen - hope you weren't offended by my friends. But honestly they're my friends... I'm not going to just drop them because you're offended by certain subjects that they LOVE talking about OK?
Stop trying to change me.
-Dave
PS: call me if you want to hang out this week.
Sketch of a joke: rising prices
I'm going to start blaming everything on gas prices.
"Kesler doesn't seem to be as racist lately...
...what with the gas prices these days."
"My leg is killing me...
...what with the gas prices these days."
"Kesler doesn't seem to be as racist lately...
...what with the gas prices these days."
"My leg is killing me...
...what with the gas prices these days."
"I saw a prostitute stumbling down the street this morning
...what with the gas prices these days."
Sketch of a sketch: the old man
There's an old man in this sketch. He's wealthy.
On his estate there's a minority - the old man isn't sure what kind of minority he is though. He cuts the grass and takes the trash out.
This landscaping minority has been working on the estate for 40 years and the old man still doesn't know his name.
As a recurring joke, the old man constantly fumbles with his employee's name and racial identity.
"Go tell Lamar to pull the car up front."
"Who sir?"
"Whatever his name is - the Indian man that cuts the grass."
"You mean Kenny sir. And he's from Central America."
"Whatever - I barely know him."
"He's given you a Christmas present for the last 14 years sir."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"He named his first born son after you sir."
"Never-the-less."
On his estate there's a minority - the old man isn't sure what kind of minority he is though. He cuts the grass and takes the trash out.
This landscaping minority has been working on the estate for 40 years and the old man still doesn't know his name.
As a recurring joke, the old man constantly fumbles with his employee's name and racial identity.
"Go tell Lamar to pull the car up front."
"Who sir?"
"Whatever his name is - the Indian man that cuts the grass."
"You mean Kenny sir. And he's from Central America."
"Whatever - I barely know him."
"He's given you a Christmas present for the last 14 years sir."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"He named his first born son after you sir."
"Never-the-less."
Glenn Davis is a fancy, fancy boy.
Glenn Davis plays for the Boston Celtics.
They won the NBA Championship a few weeks ago.
What could be more badass than the way Glenn Davis chooses to celebrate with the trophy?
They won the NBA Championship a few weeks ago.
What could be more badass than the way Glenn Davis chooses to celebrate with the trophy?
A portion of the latest screenplay
INTERIOR. NIGHT.
A living room. A television sits muted, with a game show playing.There are two couches in the room. One person sits on each.
A woman, SANGRIA, is hemming a green pantsuit.
CHAZ is sitting opposite her and exfoliating his heels.In front of him on the floor is a pile of dead skin.
SANGRIA:
Chaz, I think I’m suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
CHAZ:
What’s that Sangria?
SANGRIA:
It’s like when something bad happens and then after it happens you’re still all jumpy and s**t.
CHAZ:
What happened to give you post-traumatic stress disorder Sangria?
SANGRIA:
Well – the other day I was eating at one of those combo fast food places… you know what I’m talking about? Like, they have those Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combo places…
CHAZ:
I’m familiar with the concept. Two restaurants owned by the same conglomerate share a workspace.
SANGRIA:
Well, I was eating at this combo Hardee’s/Long John Silver’s places and a rat crawled out of my Grilled Rib Meat Sandwich.
CHAZ:
NO!
SANGRIA:
Yes! This really happened – right in front of my face.
CHAZ:
What’d you do? I mean damn girl I don’t know what I would do if that happened to me…
SANGRIA:
Wasn’t nothing I could do. I mean, it was gross when it happened but I just tried not to think about it and finished my sandwich.
CHAZ:
Wait – you finished it?
SANGRIA:
Hell yeah! Thing was $15! I’m damn sure gonna finish it if I pay that much for a sandwich.
CHAZ:
Damn girl… you wrong.
SANGRIA:
What??
CHAZ:
I mean, how are you gonna eat something that had a rat sleeping on it two seconds before you put it in your mouth? That’s nasty!!
SANGRIA:
YOU NASTY!!
CHAZ:
Me?!? You’re one who ate a rat’s sleeping bag!! Calling me nasty…
SANGRIA:
That’s it!!
CHAZ:
That’s what???
SANGRIA:
That’s IT motherf**ker. I’m done. Take your stankin’ ass pant-suit and get the hell out!
CHAZ:
But you’re not done hemming it!
SANGRIA:Shoulda thought about that before you started making fun of my eating habits be-atch.
CHAZ:
That’s cold.
SANGRIA:
Well I’m cold.
Oh – and Chaz … you look like a womens basketball coach in that pant-suit. Go to Men’s Warehouse or something.
A living room. A television sits muted, with a game show playing.There are two couches in the room. One person sits on each.
A woman, SANGRIA, is hemming a green pantsuit.
CHAZ is sitting opposite her and exfoliating his heels.In front of him on the floor is a pile of dead skin.
SANGRIA:
Chaz, I think I’m suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
CHAZ:
What’s that Sangria?
SANGRIA:
It’s like when something bad happens and then after it happens you’re still all jumpy and s**t.
CHAZ:
What happened to give you post-traumatic stress disorder Sangria?
SANGRIA:
Well – the other day I was eating at one of those combo fast food places… you know what I’m talking about? Like, they have those Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combo places…
CHAZ:
I’m familiar with the concept. Two restaurants owned by the same conglomerate share a workspace.
SANGRIA:
Well, I was eating at this combo Hardee’s/Long John Silver’s places and a rat crawled out of my Grilled Rib Meat Sandwich.
CHAZ:
NO!
SANGRIA:
Yes! This really happened – right in front of my face.
CHAZ:
What’d you do? I mean damn girl I don’t know what I would do if that happened to me…
SANGRIA:
Wasn’t nothing I could do. I mean, it was gross when it happened but I just tried not to think about it and finished my sandwich.
CHAZ:
Wait – you finished it?
SANGRIA:
Hell yeah! Thing was $15! I’m damn sure gonna finish it if I pay that much for a sandwich.
CHAZ:
Damn girl… you wrong.
SANGRIA:
What??
CHAZ:
I mean, how are you gonna eat something that had a rat sleeping on it two seconds before you put it in your mouth? That’s nasty!!
SANGRIA:
YOU NASTY!!
CHAZ:
Me?!? You’re one who ate a rat’s sleeping bag!! Calling me nasty…
SANGRIA:
That’s it!!
CHAZ:
That’s what???
SANGRIA:
That’s IT motherf**ker. I’m done. Take your stankin’ ass pant-suit and get the hell out!
CHAZ:
But you’re not done hemming it!
SANGRIA:Shoulda thought about that before you started making fun of my eating habits be-atch.
CHAZ:
That’s cold.
SANGRIA:
Well I’m cold.
Oh – and Chaz … you look like a womens basketball coach in that pant-suit. Go to Men’s Warehouse or something.
Policing the streets
I'm in the market for a car these days. I've been doing the CraigsList search, which is full of scams and people who "can't read or write."
Then, there's the overly paranoid guys.
I got this faaaantastic email back from someone today about a Honda Accord:
Then, there's the overly paranoid guys.
I got this faaaantastic email back from someone today about a Honda Accord:
"yes. i only take cash and deal with people locally. if you email with "i can pay by bank check" I am reporting you to craigslist and my uncle who works in the FBI"
Sex in the City=Beer in the Belly
From one of the great minds of our generation comes ...
Quoth John Nijhawan:
Quoth John Nijhawan:
"I suggest you follow my lead and turn this idea into a national movement.
I think it's wise to organize a massive "dude's night out" full of debauchery to coincide with the release of Sex in the City. Every woman and her sister is going to be at that nonsense & therefore all men are off the leash...
If you are accounted for, I think it wise to be stone cold sober when she disembarks for the movie & in the 3 hours she's gone get the drunkest she'll ever see you & COMPLETELY kill her high, thus bringing her back to earth w/ a healthy dose of reality + reminder of who's really boss.
It comes out next Friday, May 30th."
Mercy is For Girl-Babies
I got published!! I know... I'm so excited. The following excerpt is reprinted from AthensGa.Craigslist.Org
athensga>personals>missed connections
Angry hottie at Piggly Wiggly-(Athens, GA)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-09823487@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-24, 1:39AM EDT
The tips of your hair was magenta. Your jeans were skin tight and low... too low for a thick-legged woman like you.
I was walking out of the Piggly Wiggly on North Avenue. Almost to the car, I turned when I heard you scream. A man was walking with you, holding a bag of potato chips.
YOU SO STUPID!! you screamed as you swung at him.
He dodged and slid to his right, your fingernails coming thiiiiis close to scratching his face.
WE GOT CHIPS!!!
He shuffled for a few steps and regained his composure. The look on your face was as angry as I've ever seen a face.
Will you make me the happiest man in the world... and marry me today?
Location: North Avenue
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 693012847
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
athensga>personals>missed connections
Angry hottie at Piggly Wiggly-(Athens, GA)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-09823487@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-24, 1:39AM EDT
The tips of your hair was magenta. Your jeans were skin tight and low... too low for a thick-legged woman like you.
I was walking out of the Piggly Wiggly on North Avenue. Almost to the car, I turned when I heard you scream. A man was walking with you, holding a bag of potato chips.
YOU SO STUPID!! you screamed as you swung at him.
He dodged and slid to his right, your fingernails coming thiiiiis close to scratching his face.
WE GOT CHIPS!!!
He shuffled for a few steps and regained his composure. The look on your face was as angry as I've ever seen a face.
Will you make me the happiest man in the world... and marry me today?
Location: North Avenue
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 693012847
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"GV: Everytime I laugh, I cry" Or, The Moneyfolder
We're going to call him "Burrido."
Ol' Burrido went through an entire roll of toilet paper today. It seems that something is wrong with his belly. My guess is the problem is related to the gallon of whiskey he poured in there on Friday and Saturday night.
Yep, we sure Did It Up this weekend. Same ol' stuff - just a couple of veterans putting on the old jerseys one more time.
Ol' Burrido went through an entire roll of toilet paper today. It seems that something is wrong with his belly. My guess is the problem is related to the gallon of whiskey he poured in there on Friday and Saturday night.
Yep, we sure Did It Up this weekend. Same ol' stuff - just a couple of veterans putting on the old jerseys one more time.
Here's a book shelf of organic matter - custom made for you!
I'm printing up shirts that say:
I'm so done long-boarding it's not even funny.
and bumper stickers that say:
My other car is gay.
I'm so done long-boarding it's not even funny.
and bumper stickers that say:
My other car is gay.
I have a friend who wears
normal clothes except that
everyday, underneath those
normal clothes he wears
a different pair of
Thundercats pajamas.
normal clothes except that
everyday, underneath those
normal clothes he wears
a different pair of
Thundercats pajamas.
Phrases You Never Hear While Waiting For the Elevator in the Parking Deck:
- "I'm just dead set on finishing this O Magazine crossword puzzle!"
- "I really shouldn't have had that third bottle of margarita mix."
- "Any you guys seen a skinhead walk by with a cut on his face? No? Cool."
Psychic Evolution
Funny Man!Funny Man!
Mr. Funny Man!
You're so funny with ...
Mr. Funny Man!
You're so funny with ...
your uh,
funny jokes!!
FUNNY MAN:
When did we stop wearing costumes hunh?
You know what I mean people.
I mean - if you're a six-year old boy you are apparentley allowed attend a public event wearing a full length Wolverine X-Men III costume without anyone batting an eye.
Dressed up.
Completely - head to toe. Totally un-related to whatever event they're participating in.
You're standing in the bathroom line at the Human Right's Festival next thing you know a you get cut in line by a 10-year Shrek donkey.
You're sipping on sweet tea at your aunt's housekeeper's funeral and you see a small raptor with Ninja Turtle roller-skate tennis shoes eating four chocolate chip cookies at once.
It's commonplace!
Parents even keep track of them by their superhero name:
Kevin! Come back towards the house! You too Spiderman.
So when's the cut off people? Hunh?
That's what I want to know.
When are we no longer allowed to wear random costumes? Halloween excluded of course - but like, on a Wednesday in July?
16 years old?
8 years old?
HELP ABBY!!
Day Man: Fighter of the Night Man
I know two things about her:
She was born in Kansas and
she's afraid of people who wear
too much Shea Butter Lotion.
My neighbor left me a note in Sanscrit.
I had it translated by a dude at the library and
he told me it said:
"We've got extra pie if you want any..."
When I was walking to work this morning I passed a crack-head who I see fairly often.
He more than likely is not an actual crack addict - he probably suffers from a serious mental illness (the broad stroke calls all of these people CrackHeads and everyone knows what they mean when they say it).
Anyway - he was bopping along and yelling out angry phrases to himself as he walked. When he passed me I could make out a little of what he was saying.
Here's the gorgeous prose I heard come out of his mouth:
"THAT'S WHY I DON'T BE F*CKIN' AROUND WITH BLACK WOMEN NO MORE!!"
Ahhh... those less fortunate than us. So funny.
She was born in Kansas and
she's afraid of people who wear
too much Shea Butter Lotion.
My neighbor left me a note in Sanscrit.
I had it translated by a dude at the library and
he told me it said:
"We've got extra pie if you want any..."
When I was walking to work this morning I passed a crack-head who I see fairly often.
He more than likely is not an actual crack addict - he probably suffers from a serious mental illness (the broad stroke calls all of these people CrackHeads and everyone knows what they mean when they say it).
Anyway - he was bopping along and yelling out angry phrases to himself as he walked. When he passed me I could make out a little of what he was saying.
Here's the gorgeous prose I heard come out of his mouth:
"THAT'S WHY I DON'T BE F*CKIN' AROUND WITH BLACK WOMEN NO MORE!!"
Ahhh... those less fortunate than us. So funny.
Big Hack.
I've been bumping 2Pac heavily lately - you know how we do.Anyway - recently I remembered that in the 'Pac song "Ambitionz As A Rider" Shakur tosses out these two lines:
Can't trust the bitches in the business
so I got with Death Row.
He's referring to signing with Death Row Records, something that - hindsight being 20/20 - was a "bad idea."
I'm not a pastor and I'm not a reverand.
Listening to local AM church radio and a preacher is railing against same sex marraige and homosexuality... he slipped up and said:
"Gawd said He only want... men with men ONLY.
(Pause two three four five)...
men with WOMEN only."
I giggled to myself.
Face your fears girl!!!
The weirdest thing!
I walked into a public restroom at the Tangier Outlet Mall and there were no lights on.
I turned on the light.
There was only one toilet in the room.
A man was sitting on it with his pants around his ankles and there was a huge blue tarp wrapped around his waist - it was covering up his legs and the base of the toilet.
NO! he screamed and reached for the light switch.
I looked down and saw that his legs were tiny, thin, pale and completely shaved.
Ewww.... weird.
SEPARATED AT BIRTH: Vernan Gholston (above) and me. Don't make the same mistake lots of people have been making lately!! He is not me!!
I walked into a public restroom at the Tangier Outlet Mall and there were no lights on.
I turned on the light.
There was only one toilet in the room.
A man was sitting on it with his pants around his ankles and there was a huge blue tarp wrapped around his waist - it was covering up his legs and the base of the toilet.
NO! he screamed and reached for the light switch.
I looked down and saw that his legs were tiny, thin, pale and completely shaved.
Ewww.... weird.
SEPARATED AT BIRTH: Vernan Gholston (above) and me. Don't make the same mistake lots of people have been making lately!! He is not me!!
you pay for play you getIT??!?
Do you mind if I make a documentary about you?
(About how weird you are).
I'll get a grant to pay for it and we'll interview people
who know you and your ex-girlfriends.
I'll follow you around with camera and we'll see what your day is like.
I will inundate you with hyp(er) THETICAL questions about
how you would react in certain situations. And then wait in erotic expectantcy for
your amazing answers.
What would you do if someone cut you off in traffic on Christmas Eve in the parking lot of Old Navy?
I'd get out. Walk up to the driver's side door and kick their f***in' side-view mirrors off.
Fascinating.
What would you do if your neighbor dumped a bunch of brush into your backyard?
Use a blade on him - cut a rectangular shape into his back. Pour a gallon of nail polish onto his hood. Set the woods on fire.
Thank-you.
(About how weird you are).
I'll get a grant to pay for it and we'll interview people
who know you and your ex-girlfriends.
I'll follow you around with camera and we'll see what your day is like.
I will inundate you with hyp(er) THETICAL questions about
how you would react in certain situations. And then wait in erotic expectantcy for
your amazing answers.
What would you do if someone cut you off in traffic on Christmas Eve in the parking lot of Old Navy?
I'd get out. Walk up to the driver's side door and kick their f***in' side-view mirrors off.
Fascinating.
What would you do if your neighbor dumped a bunch of brush into your backyard?
Use a blade on him - cut a rectangular shape into his back. Pour a gallon of nail polish onto his hood. Set the woods on fire.
Thank-you.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
1a.I know you did not just say that to me!
1b.
My friend Chuck (not that one silly!) once told me:
"Women have to do two things: be soft and smell good."
2.
I'm totally and completely ANTI-OXIDANT!!
I'm totally and completely ANTI-OXIDANT!!
3----> MY BUDDY AXED ME: Is it racist to call someone "the laziest white man I ever met"?
Upcoming releases from Will Kiser! They make great Easter gifts!
"Pants Optional: The story of a boy and his drinking problem."
"Pants Optional: The story of a boy and his drinking problem."
"You've Got Something on Your Shirt: A series of semi-interesting haikus"
"Whale Songs: Facing your fears with girl power!"
Blogs with links to other sites!! YAY!!
You know how you have Your Thing?Not your Thing. But you know...
EXAMPLE:
I don't know - I just like chicks to use a German accent when we're intimate. It's my thing.
OR:
Yeah - that's my thing. I like smashing up birthday cake into ice-cream before I eat it.
Well, I loooove watching paparazzi get beat up!
Yeah - that's my thing. I like smashing up birthday cake into ice-cream before I eat it.
Well, I loooove watching paparazzi get beat up!
I don't know why - I always have. I don't love it in the sense of - well screw them they shouldn't be chasin' after my beloved Jessica Alba!
Why do Asian girls cry when they see Michael Jackson?
She's so hot -
it's not even funny.
Man Man returns to Athens this weekend and I've been reduced to a screaming and crying middle school girl. Complete with my band t-shirt (2 sizes too big, sleeves rolled up) - clutching my Fan Club poster, tears running down red cheeks.
I love this band.
Getting ready for their show takes 5 days - thank g_d this wasn't one of those wacky Secret Myspace shows!! I wouldn't be able to attend.
To get into the right headspace for Man Man I've got to get my hands on:
_one bottle of whiskey (it doesn't matter the brand, it won't be drunk: it's for cleaning surgical tools)
_one pint* of peyote (not sure the unit of measurement for peyote, but whatever it is - I'm going to need enough to get 800 people "high")
_10 gallons of drinking water (2 gallons a day)
And that's just some of the materials-needed. In addition to that, I must go through strenuous stretching, power yoga, hot stone massage and intense meditation.
Go check them out online and bask in their FUN!
it's not even funny.
Gawd! That movie is so terrible -
it's not even funny.
I waited so long for them to open up -
it's not even funny.
It's not sad, it's not happy. It's nothing -
it's not even funny.
Kathy Griffin: not even funny.
Man Man returns to Athens this weekend and I've been reduced to a screaming and crying middle school girl. Complete with my band t-shirt (2 sizes too big, sleeves rolled up) - clutching my Fan Club poster, tears running down red cheeks.
I love this band.
Getting ready for their show takes 5 days - thank g_d this wasn't one of those wacky Secret Myspace shows!! I wouldn't be able to attend.
To get into the right headspace for Man Man I've got to get my hands on:
_one bottle of whiskey (it doesn't matter the brand, it won't be drunk: it's for cleaning surgical tools)
_one pint* of peyote (not sure the unit of measurement for peyote, but whatever it is - I'm going to need enough to get 800 people "high")
_10 gallons of drinking water (2 gallons a day)
And that's just some of the materials-needed. In addition to that, I must go through strenuous stretching, power yoga, hot stone massage and intense meditation.
Go check them out online and bask in their FUN!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury - Uncle Dirty.
This is wonderful, terrible, fantastic, funny, sad, and SWEET HOLY MOSES!! all in one.
From LoveBryan.com, this is photo essay by Mike Belleme about his great uncle.
EDITOR'S NOTE: The more I think about this man, Uncle Dirty, the more I realize that he may be the foundation of my new religion. Please check out this website - I really think it'll change your life for the better. Thank-you, Will.
What's the deal with stuff?
A 'oem*
I'm totally down with dudes.
Not like "down" ... but like - we're cool.
Dudes and bros.
(And brosephs and like brahs).
Not like "down" ... but like - we're cool.
Dudes and bros.
(And brosephs and like brahs).
* - short for poem.
My new band is called Theraputic Restraint. You probably haven't heard of us.
This is a snippet from a real conversation I had this weekend:
ME: So - what kind of music have you been listening to lately?
HIM: A lot of Bruce Hornsby. And the song "Cliffs of Dover" by Eric Johnson.
That's pretty effing specific there. One artist and one song.
By the way - if you're not familiar with "Cliffs of Dover" it's a fret-tapping, instrumental blow-out. Check it out here.
Quick poll: has there ever been a worse answer to the question What music have you been listening to lately? My guess is no.
By the way - if you're not familiar with "Cliffs of Dover" it's a fret-tapping, instrumental blow-out. Check it out here.
Quick poll: has there ever been a worse answer to the question What music have you been listening to lately? My guess is no.
Unless someone just went and dropped the rare Bon Jovi/T-Pain answer on me.
And that answer, as hideous as it is to my ears, is fine. There's nothing wrong with Cliffs of Dover and Bruce Hornsby. The bro who said it is a good, good brah - a solid dude. I love him, even.
We've got a man on the corner
Poetry
"Hey!"
I saw you on Saturday night but you didn't see me. At first.
Yeah you were standing there on the corner with your
popped-collar pink shirt yelling into your cell-phone about
how wasted you were the other night.
You knew it was annoying when you did it.
So don’t give me that “I’m calling the cops!” bullshit
when I “punch you in the fucking junk.”
"Knuckles"
OR
"I swear on my girlfriend’s brass knuckles
"I swear on my girlfriend’s brass knuckles
that the following story is true."
While walking to work this morning
two Able-Bodied Vagrants walked by me.
One said to the other:
I haven’t said anything to him yet...
I haven’t said anything to him yet...
I’m just showing him with my actions.
"No-stache" 
I may have mentioned this before
and if so I apologize -
but please pass it along...
Unless you’re a black male – no facial hair.
Seriously.
It’s over with.
We’re done with it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)