Bulldogs resort to animal abuse! SAVE THE CHIMPS!!

As an esteemed environmentalist and noted football enthusiast I am torn in this, my latest battle with those who would see our planet with nary an endangered monkey upon it.
I am thusly torn, you'll see, when I tell you that it is the very football squad that I hold dearest to my heart are the ones attacking the chimp nation.
I was dismayed to find out this terrible news while perusing Bulldawg Illustrated last week (headline below).

(click on the photo if you have trouble reading the headline).

I have two problems with this strategy:
a). The chimps are endangered. Don't bring them out onto a football field - they're going to get torn apart.
b). How is this going to help us against Florida's offensive attack?






And yes, I know - I went to a lot of trouble for such a mediocre payoff but at least I'm trying. That's more than I can say for most of you.
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Bill Emerson 1923-2009

“Southerners are generous, fun-loving people.
Homicidal, but basically decent folk.”
-Bill Emerson

If I'm funny - and I'm not saying that I am - but if I am... it's probably because of my great-uncle Bill Emerson.
My entire life has been filled with summers and holidays sitting next to him and listening to him talk - because it was fascinating and funny and powerful.
He was my great uncle, married to my grandfather's sister, the greatest wordsmith I have ever had the privilege of conversing with and he died two days ago at the age of 86.

Bill wasn't a "funny guy," he didn't send wacky emails or repeat jokes he heard on Conan last night.
He was more than that; funny isn't the right way to describe him.
He could write serious prose - and did - but his humor was deep and thoughtful and although it was rated R it was never offensive or ugly. We're not talking foul-mouthed stand-up comedy here, we're talking poetry.
When he spoke people stopped what they were doing and gathered - trying as hard as they could to soak up every word he said so that they could repeat it later.
Were his stories true? Mostly. Probably embellished a little bit.
Did William Faulkner really chase him off his property with a shotgun because Bill made a pass at his mother? Probably not. But goddam, you should have heard the story.

I've included some links to articles on the web, and yes on the day that Dominick Dunne and Ted Kennedy's obituary ran The New York Times still found room for Bill Emerson.

** ADDITION: PeachBuzz covers Bill Emerson's funeral here.

As you can see by my haircut, I'm very closed minded.

We've all seen it: the SEC-school-white-guy frat-cut. The important part of the cut is that it must cover the entire forehead, otherwise it is a cheap imitation of the actual style. This haircut tells me everything I need to know about the person.
There are the common variations that occur as well - for instance, in a college town like Athens or Knoxville, many of the white private high school bros will start to style their hair in a sort of copy-cat manner.


"The Tuscaloosa Swoop"
This is my favorite label for the haircut, coined by James Wickliffe.



"Bama Bangs"
Two years ago Clay Travis wrote the essential guide to the haircut, and re-introduced the primary nickname for the haircut.

"Kali pulls me aside and asks if I have a camera.
Unfortunately I don't.
"Because every boy in here has 'Bama Bangs," she says.
I look around the room.
There are more than 10 Alabama guys and
every single one of them has the same haircut.
It's like being 4 years old again back when
every mom in Nashville gave her kid a puffy bowl cut. "
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Erykah Badu

All My Exes
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

Those beads aren’t for decoration. I’ll explain later.
(Let’s hope she used some hand sanitizer after this photo shoot).


I used to love her… Erykah Badu

DATA

The best of times:Getting a shout-out during the 2001 BET Awards from Erykah. Our relationship had hit a high point and we were happy. If only for a moment.

The worst of times: The wigs are cool, don’t get me wrong. But seeing them hanging up in her closet makes you feel like you’re dating a serial killer who “likes to collects things from her victims.”

Proudest moment: Using one of her own songs as an insult during one of our fights. We were standing outside of a Huddle House in Indianapolis when she said she was going to take my name off the lease for our apartment in Dallas. I told her go ahead, while holding my cell phone out in her direction – then I froze and sang “… but you can’t use my phoooone!”

Most embarrassing moment: Getting slapped in the parking lot of a Huddle House in Indianapolis while approximately 35 people stood watching. And pointing. Oh yeah, and laughing – did I mention the laughing?


NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES…Andre Agassi
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Brittney Skye

All My Exes
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.


I used to love her… Brittney Skye

Oh Brittney - or BritNasty as I called her when I got “lippy” – whatever happened to us?
It’s important to point out that I have fought a lot with the men and women listed here in this All My Exes series. Because I did. Physically, emotionally, even meta-physically. Brittney and I would stare at each other from opposite white leather couches in our S&M Room (also called “the living room” when our parents were in town) and fight on a level that transcended our physical reality. In complete silence I would stare at her and ponder what it would look like if G_d revoked Brittany’s essence.

Would she explode? Would she disappear? Would she wither away until there was nothing left of her except two bags of silicone and a metal hip-support plate*?
We were meta-fighting.

* - yes, the hip injury was work-related and the support plate was paid for by worker's comp.

Oh and things got physical as well. In 1999 she pushed me down an escalator at Perimeter Mall, resulting in 6 broken ribs for yours truly. She never apologized and to this day maintains that I deserved it. The push came after I told her I was worried about my sexual health dating someone like her and wondered aloud whether or not they made condoms filled with Dial Antibacterial Soap.

DATA
The best of times: When we were asleep. I found that our relationship was much healthier when one or both of us were sedated. Preferably both, because most of the times when only one of us was sedated, the other was plotting (and possibly carrying out) bodily harm against the other.

The worst of times: Did I mention she was a porn star? You know how in Boogie Nights William H. Macy goes crazy having to “share” his wife with everyone in the general vicinity who ha a functioning set of male genitalia? Yeah, I LIVED that. It was awful.

Proudest moment: AVN Porn Awards Red Carpet 2001.

Most embarrassing moment: See: Proudest moment.

What I’ll miss most: The toot*. Wow the toot. I know it’s sort of a stereotypical thing – porn and cocaine – but wow, they revel in that stuff. Coke just seems to find a way into porn star’s chapped little hands and I was always around to partake.

* Toot means cocaine, just in case you don’t know things. I’m also trying to get the phrase “white power” going as slang for toot, which is slang for cocaine. EXAMPLE: “Jay, you got any white power?”


NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES… G.E. Smith
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Emily Bronte

All My Exes
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.


I used to love her… Emily Bronte

We had a thing, me and Emily. What sucked was her family. They were British and annoying and loved to get into the middle of our fights.
I remember her sister Charlotte emailing me once saying “I don’t want to get in the middle of things but last night on G-Chat Emily told me about the fight you had concerning your new bowling ball…”
I wanted to be all like: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, THEN DON’T!!
Ughh… whatever.
It was a tough time for everyone – we were all cranky from malnutrition and bad stress management. I think we could have both been better at being in love.


DATA
The best of times: our Friday night tradition – just the two of us, a couple of pints of ale, some stale bread and fair conversation.

The worst of times: The unbelievable stench coming from every inch of our home. I mean, think about it: no refrigeration, no trash pickup, no shampoo, no Axe body spray, no deodorant… what I'm telling you here is that we were rank.

Proudest moment: Saving her from diphtheria by bleeding the demons out of her system.

Most embarrassing moment: During a one of our fights, I admitted thinking that Wuthering Heights was packed with “pedestrian dialogue.”

What I’ll miss most: The peace and quiet of being in a relationship with a repressed woman.


NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES… Tanya Tucker

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Tiffani-Amber Thiessen

All My Exes
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

She loved nature, and that's why I loved her.

I used to love her… Tiffani-Amber Thiessen

A lot has been said about my on-again-off-again relationship with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. We were a tumultuous duo when we were on-again and even worse when we were off-again.
A typical night out was spent playing pool against teenagers at the Y before having a late (9 pm!) supper at IHOP.
Yeah, we were boring in public but we were demonic at home. We regularly broke bones, vases and aquariums during huge arguments over the silliest things.

“Did you put clean off the top of the ketchup bottle?”
(She hated that gross stuff at around the edge).

“I told you, it’s cool if you use my cocaine straw –
just wipe it down with hand sanitizer when you’re done!!”
(She was a stickler for that one).

I used to hate it when Tiff would leave the house without pants.

DATA
The best of times: Christmas in Missouri in 2002. We threw a dart at a map to decide where we would go for the holidays.

The worst of times: Christmas in Missouri in 2003. Who would have thought we would have hit Missouri with a dart two years in a row? DON’T BLAME IT ON ME!!!

Proudest moment: Helping her get over her relationship with Cisco.

Most embarrassing moment: Thinking (for the first 4 months of our relationship!!) she was somehow related to Joe Theisman.

What I’ll miss most: That glass jar of Oatmeal Cream Pies in her kitchen (she kept it stocked like a Waffle House waitress keeps your glass of sweet tea: to the brim).

NEXT ON ALL MY EXES… Anton the heroin-addicted body builder.


(I never dated Madonna but I couldn’t find a good picture of Anton himself).
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Vin Diesel

ALL MY EXES…
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.


I used to love him... Vin Diesel

DATA
The best of times: Our weekly “Wrestlemania” parties. Sunday nights – right before Entourage! He always had to be the good guy. I’d make brownies afterwards. Pre-match showers were mandatory, post-match showers were encouraged.

The worst of times: The big fight. Someone (me) got a bit too competitive during one of our "Wrestlemania" parties and swung something (a fireplace poker) at someone (Vin Diesel). Someone (Vin Diesel) got a broken elbow. Then, because of the broken elbow someone (Vin Diesel) couldn’t be a part of the Kindergarden Cop remake. Then someone’s agent (you guessed it) recommended that a certain bald, bulky actor stop hanging out with a certain someone (you got it again).

Proudest moment: Being a guest on the red carpet for The Iron Giant.

Most embarrassing moment: Being barred from entering the post-screening party for Fast + Furious.

What I’ll miss most: Hanging out with his best friends, Good Charlotte.

NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES… Candice Parker.


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