All My Exes
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.
I used to love her… Brittney Skye
Oh Brittney - or BritNasty as I called her when I got “lippy” – whatever happened to us?
It’s important to point out that I have fought a lot with the men and women listed here in this All My Exes series. Because I did. Physically, emotionally, even meta-physically. Brittney and I would stare at each other from opposite white leather couches in our S&M Room (also called “the living room” when our parents were in town) and fight on a level that transcended our physical reality. In complete silence I would stare at her and ponder what it would look like if G_d revoked Brittany’s essence.
Would she explode? Would she disappear? Would she wither away until there was nothing left of her except two bags of silicone and a metal hip-support plate*?
We were meta-fighting.
* - yes, the hip injury was work-related and the support plate was paid for by worker's comp.
Oh and things got physical as well. In 1999 she pushed me down an escalator at Perimeter Mall, resulting in 6 broken ribs for yours truly. She never apologized and to this day maintains that I deserved it. The push came after I told her I was worried about my sexual health dating someone like her and wondered aloud whether or not they made condoms filled with Dial Antibacterial Soap.
DATA
The best of times: When we were asleep. I found that our relationship was much healthier when one or both of us were sedated. Preferably both, because most of the times when only one of us was sedated, the other was plotting (and possibly carrying out) bodily harm against the other.
The worst of times: Did I mention she was a porn star? You know how in Boogie Nights William H. Macy goes crazy having to “share” his wife with everyone in the general vicinity who ha a functioning set of male genitalia? Yeah, I LIVED that. It was awful.
Proudest moment: AVN Porn Awards Red Carpet 2001.
Most embarrassing moment: See: Proudest moment.
What I’ll miss most: The toot*. Wow the toot. I know it’s sort of a stereotypical thing – porn and cocaine – but wow, they revel in that stuff. Coke just seems to find a way into porn star’s chapped little hands and I was always around to partake.
* Toot means cocaine, just in case you don’t know things. I’m also trying to get the phrase “white power” going as slang for toot, which is slang for cocaine. EXAMPLE: “Jay, you got any white power?”
I used to love her… Brittney Skye
Oh Brittney - or BritNasty as I called her when I got “lippy” – whatever happened to us?
It’s important to point out that I have fought a lot with the men and women listed here in this All My Exes series. Because I did. Physically, emotionally, even meta-physically. Brittney and I would stare at each other from opposite white leather couches in our S&M Room (also called “the living room” when our parents were in town) and fight on a level that transcended our physical reality. In complete silence I would stare at her and ponder what it would look like if G_d revoked Brittany’s essence.
Would she explode? Would she disappear? Would she wither away until there was nothing left of her except two bags of silicone and a metal hip-support plate*?
We were meta-fighting.
* - yes, the hip injury was work-related and the support plate was paid for by worker's comp.
Oh and things got physical as well. In 1999 she pushed me down an escalator at Perimeter Mall, resulting in 6 broken ribs for yours truly. She never apologized and to this day maintains that I deserved it. The push came after I told her I was worried about my sexual health dating someone like her and wondered aloud whether or not they made condoms filled with Dial Antibacterial Soap.
DATA
The best of times: When we were asleep. I found that our relationship was much healthier when one or both of us were sedated. Preferably both, because most of the times when only one of us was sedated, the other was plotting (and possibly carrying out) bodily harm against the other.
The worst of times: Did I mention she was a porn star? You know how in Boogie Nights William H. Macy goes crazy having to “share” his wife with everyone in the general vicinity who ha a functioning set of male genitalia? Yeah, I LIVED that. It was awful.
Proudest moment: AVN Porn Awards Red Carpet 2001.
Most embarrassing moment: See: Proudest moment.
What I’ll miss most: The toot*. Wow the toot. I know it’s sort of a stereotypical thing – porn and cocaine – but wow, they revel in that stuff. Coke just seems to find a way into porn star’s chapped little hands and I was always around to partake.
* Toot means cocaine, just in case you don’t know things. I’m also trying to get the phrase “white power” going as slang for toot, which is slang for cocaine. EXAMPLE: “Jay, you got any white power?”
NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES… G.E. Smith
