All My Exes
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.
I used to love her… Emily Bronte
We had a thing, me and Emily. What sucked was her family. They were British and annoying and loved to get into the middle of our fights.
I remember her sister Charlotte emailing me once saying “I don’t want to get in the middle of things but last night on G-Chat Emily told me about the fight you had concerning your new bowling ball…”
I wanted to be all like: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, THEN DON’T!!
Ughh… whatever.
It was a tough time for everyone – we were all cranky from malnutrition and bad stress management. I think we could have both been better at being in love.
DATA
The best of times: our Friday night tradition – just the two of us, a couple of pints of ale, some stale bread and fair conversation.
The worst of times: The unbelievable stench coming from every inch of our home. I mean, think about it: no refrigeration, no trash pickup, no shampoo, no Axe body spray, no deodorant… what I'm telling you here is that we were rank.
Proudest moment: Saving her from diphtheria by bleeding the demons out of her system.
Most embarrassing moment: During a one of our fights, I admitted thinking that Wuthering Heights was packed with “pedestrian dialogue.”
What I’ll miss most: The peace and quiet of being in a relationship with a repressed woman.
We had a thing, me and Emily. What sucked was her family. They were British and annoying and loved to get into the middle of our fights.
I remember her sister Charlotte emailing me once saying “I don’t want to get in the middle of things but last night on G-Chat Emily told me about the fight you had concerning your new bowling ball…”
I wanted to be all like: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, THEN DON’T!!
Ughh… whatever.
It was a tough time for everyone – we were all cranky from malnutrition and bad stress management. I think we could have both been better at being in love.
DATA
The best of times: our Friday night tradition – just the two of us, a couple of pints of ale, some stale bread and fair conversation.
The worst of times: The unbelievable stench coming from every inch of our home. I mean, think about it: no refrigeration, no trash pickup, no shampoo, no Axe body spray, no deodorant… what I'm telling you here is that we were rank.
Proudest moment: Saving her from diphtheria by bleeding the demons out of her system.
Most embarrassing moment: During a one of our fights, I admitted thinking that Wuthering Heights was packed with “pedestrian dialogue.”
What I’ll miss most: The peace and quiet of being in a relationship with a repressed woman.
NEXT ON: ALL MY EXES… Tanya Tucker
