Tiffani-Amber Thiessen

All My Exes
An infrequent series of essays about ex-girlfriends and boyfriends.

She loved nature, and that's why I loved her.

I used to love her… Tiffani-Amber Thiessen

A lot has been said about my on-again-off-again relationship with
Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. We were a tumultuous duo when we were on-again and even worse when we were off-again.
A typical night out was spent playing pool against teenagers at the Y before having a late (9 pm!) supper at IHOP.
Yeah, we were boring in public but we were demonic at home. We regularly broke bones, vases and aquariums during huge arguments over the silliest things.

“Did you put clean off the top of the ketchup bottle?”
(She hated that gross stuff at around the edge).

“I told you, it’s cool if you use my cocaine straw –
just wipe it down with hand sanitizer when you’re done!!”
(She was a stickler for that one).

I used to hate it when Tiff would leave the house without pants.

The best of times: Christmas in Missouri in 2002. We threw a dart at a map to decide where we would go for the holidays.

The worst of times: Christmas in Missouri in 2003. Who would have thought we would have hit Missouri with a dart two years in a row? DON’T BLAME IT ON ME!!!

Proudest moment: Helping her get over her relationship with Cisco.

Most embarrassing moment: Thinking (for the first 4 months of our relationship!!) she was somehow related to Joe Theisman.

What I’ll miss most: That glass jar of Oatmeal Cream Pies in her kitchen (she kept it stocked like a Waffle House waitress keeps your glass of sweet tea: to the brim).

NEXT ON ALL MY EXES… Anton the heroin-addicted body builder.

(I never dated Madonna but I couldn’t find a good picture of Anton himself).